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After learning about my 2 friends, I could have had it much worse. Here are 2 people that had it worse than me, 1st Lori, then Scott. Previously I have said my life is so damn difficult, but now that I have run into Lori and Scott who never knew their actual father, god is showing me that my life could be much worse. I guess he wanted to drive his point home since he brought 2 people into my life, instead of only 1! Ladies first, I met her in Oct 2018. I cannot even comprehend how Lori can still conquer life with such a pleasant attitude and demeanor after both of Lori's parents committed suicide and her son as well (and her bro too, I think?) so 4 in all. She has a sister left, but they don't talk. Her daughter doesn't know her actual dad because Lori got raped and will NEVER EVER know who the father is. Lori told her daughter her dad is in prison for life, but in reality, the guy who raped Lori just disappeared. Lori never will tell her the truth. There are no advantages in telling her, she said to me. Lori's daughter has had a very bleak life: Age 5-She got taken away from Lori and placed in a foster care orphanage, and Lori's sister had placed her in foster care. Age 6- She found out her fake father was a lifer in prison for murder Age 13-Her entire family, except her mother Lori, committed suicide Before she has even reached 18 years, she has been in 37 houses and 13 schools so far, and she was living with a 75 yo, mentally dominant old man with Bi-Polar, otherwise she would have been homeless. This guy Rick treats her mother, Lori, like shit and they have been in and out of his house over 5 times, because Lori and her had no other place to stay. Now, Scott isn't so bad off, but still is in the same predicament regarding his father. He is a love child because his dad fucked his mom, but she can never get back in touch with the father since he just vanished, so he may not even know he has a son. Also, Scott got adopted by a different mom at just a few weeks of age who abused him almost daily. His adopted dad did nothing about it, and they are not close with each other to this very day. Scott also has a brother who has a mental disorder and very challenged in his life. His brother was injured by his girlfriend and was hospitalized. Both his brother and sister were also adopted, so he has no natural siblings, as they adopted him, his brother, and his sister. Myself? My parents raised me pretty normally, and my childhood wasn't terrible from their actions. I grew up in a couple of homes with both parents till their divorce in 88. Lori hates her life so much, she doesn't even want me to compile it together and write her bio, "The story of Lori." "Catchy" isn't it? UPDATE: MAY 21 After all my writing conveyed 2 people that "ARE" in my life..... At this point BOTH Lori & Scott, "WERE" in my life. They have since left my life. Lori owes me around $500 for the car, so I will NEVER hear from her! Scott is pissed, as I did not take his advice on moving to CA Last year in July, Mikey left first. Update: March 31st '20 I ran into Mikey, an old acquaintance I knew a few years ago, and he told me his own father sexually abused him during his childhood but when he told his mother that his own father abused him, she did not want to believe it was actually happening so she did nothing to help him in his life. I really wish I understood parents far better. Scott had a father who didn't listen to him when Scott was being abused. Now Mikey had an abusive father, but his mom did nothing to help. Notice how Scott & Mikey were inverse in their childhood. OK, all-powerful, omnipotent creator, I get your absolute point and the lessons you bestowed upon me. I am taking my oath right away while affirming..... "I will NEVER state my life is difficult or impossible again!" I am proud of myself for creating my 100th blog on this site!

You Are Worthy! YES!! YOU, the reader are worth a lot to family I don't know who needs to hear this, but it's been weighing down my heart for a few days now and I'm convinced you need to hear it! YOU WILL hear it NOW. YOU are worthy. Worthy of respect. Worthy of love. Worthy of being accepted just as you are. YOU are valuable. You alone determine your value. Don't ever discount yourself so others can 'afford' you. If you do, you will always settle for less than you deserve. YOU are irreplaceable. There NEVER has been and NEVER will be another YOU. EVER!!! YOU are not difficult to love. Steer clear of the people who make you feel like you are, they are simply not your people. This includes parents too! If YOU have parents that dont love you UNCONDITIONALLY and you are not safe with them, YOU MUST leave immediately to seek out adults who can help you! YOU deserve respect, love, and compassion. Don't settle for those who can't/won't give you these basic things. Don't beg for basic human decency. YOU are loved. There are people in this world who love you. Just know that even if you feel like you have nobody, I care about you. YOU have the right to have emotions and displays of feelings. Surround yourself with people who will celebrate your successes and joy and will hunker down with you when life gets hard. Those who allow you to feel and experience all things, even pain or sadness. YOU matter. Your wants, needs, expectations, desires, dreams, emotions and experiences matter. If you ever need someone to vent to or even just sit in silence with, reach out. If I can help support you in anyway, reach out. If you are in fear or at risk for abuse, I can provide several resources in NV that can help you get out safely.

In life, you must always be honest, otherwise, you might lose the people most important to you that have real dignity and great value. I unfortunately lost 3 of the most significant people in my life, never to speak to me again, since I didn't follow this. Isn't that just fucking fabulous? So I will attempt to explain how to be honest so you will live a much happier life. Sometimes I said things to suit only myself, like saying that I was there, but actually I was somewhere else. There were other times I said something else, thinking it would be a good plan to deceive them a bit, so I would only take my own needs into consideration over theirs. Whatever various deceptions I devilishly came up with, they would keep me out of trouble, ONLY in the short term though, as the lies and deceptions turned into trust issues. Some even believe that not telling the whole truth is lying, but I do not believe this to be the case, though. If you go to the restaurant and don't say the exact way you got there, leaving certain erroneous information out, would that still be lying? Not really, NO! You informed them of where you went, your specific route was irrelevant. As if all the misinformation I was constantly coming up with for my benefit, wasn't already enough to deal with, I made promises that I wasn't able to deliver on. This really mislead them, so after a while, they didn't even believe me. After this, they didn't even respect me anymore. What you are about to embark on, is the journey NOT to do what I did. Keep in mind, it is especially hard on people that have already experienced certain emotional pain and hurt in horrible ways. This fabricated existence affects the younger generation, who has a lot to absorb about these various concepts, such as understanding, trust, and communication. One Christmas long ago, I somehow thought that it would be better to say that I was still in town, but in reality I was really back east with my family members. They caught me in a lie. It turns out that I would have been better off telling the truth, after all, that is exactly what they thought would be better for me during the holidays. They rather have me being ALL alone at home, even though this is exactly how I spend it on many holidays, ALONE!! Im sure most of us have lied and regretted it also, as there are many reasons to embellish the truth, but no matter the reason, always be up front and honest with everyone you deal with. As you are ALL aware, there is ALWAYS an exception to EVERY rule on earth. This is exactly what they do to keep us ALL on our toes!! Much to my sadness and grief, they were out of my life long ago, but just recently I lost the ONLY one that I have EVER loved in my life, as I gave HIM my eternal heart and soul. That famous straw was leaving him in bed when I started my trip home. I AM SUCH A FUCKING MORON, OR MAYBE JUST AN IDIOT BEYOND REASON!! After getting on the freeway, he called me, and inquired if I left him again like I did once before. Since my balls are not the biggest and bravest around, I denied leaving him and said I was just out for a few and I would be back. What's even MORE tragic, is that I even agreed to getting him breakfast, knowing full well I would not be back. Maybe I am just totally oblivious to the tried-and-true methods of showing those special ones in my life, just how much I care about them. YES!! I agree with you!! I HATE me too!! My bleak and pointless life is now pointless with NO purpose whatsoever without him in my life forever as it's no longer a joy being me. Will I EVER learn?? It's doubtful. In being honest, I don't think so. Even though there are people that lie to stay out of trouble, (or in my case, remain in trouble) there are other reasons too, there are also lies to eliminate rejection, as well. What about your orientation or identity? Do you go ahead and just say your gay? "If I tell her I'm gay, will she still like me?" you may have asked yourself on over one occasion. What if you want to be female, even though you have something "down there?" In this case, you follow the exception below: EXCEPTION: In being honest with yourself & others, I feel that we should "essentially" be NUDE, as in this state, you are YOU!!! NO misleading, NO hiding, NO enhancements, NO facades, NO dishonesty! You are YOU NO way to hide behind cloaks, screens, lies!! 1 more thing, they do not permit this! Makes NO sense - here you are beyond honest, incapable of lieing, while they also arrest you!! THE FLIP SIDE!! YOU are male. Pretend to be FEmale! So, this is what I refer to as DIShonesty! YOU are completely deceiving EVERYONE, of your actual self! Wearing - high heels, makeup, wig, dress, and more! Now, in this fiasco, you are NOT giving an accurate view of yourself! We see you as an abnormal freak, as you are lying OUT YOUR ASS, about what YOU actually ARE! So, as you pretend, EVERYONE sees what you are, NOT as you portray anyway. Lastly, simply put - the pigs don't even give you a 2nd glance for your dishonesty!! Understand all this??? I hope so because I definitely DON'T!!. A more popular practice, MEN switch over to a woman. A Tranny, as we call them. Rather than speculating about pretending to be Female, if you fancy, wearing all the female attire, you can alter yourself and join the real life tranny I know. The only glitch with "him" is that he must be his actual male self whenever he is around his dad. He always dreads seeing him, because he..... .... hates being a man?? Now, this is where I get confused. Try to keep up, I am attempting to explain "HIM" to you. I am going to run through this and hope it makes sense, at least to you. During the rest of the time, he is ALWAYS "FEmale." When he must dress as a guy, who he actually is, instead of being his "normal?" everyday female self, he feels bad about himself and yearns to be a chick again. So he dreads seeing his dad since he doesn't like..... .....being a guy? Hoping you can make sense out of all this. He won't be able to be a woman that he wants to be, so he can't wear his wig, high heels, dress, and makeup. I then must ask, is it proper that he has to be "dis"honest with himself and his dad? He figures that his dad won't have anything to do with him if he's a female. His dad rejects him in this case. He chooses to be "dis"honest with his dad? He is being who he actually is. Is this dishonest or honest? Now, do you see how ridiculous and absurd this total fiasco is? Now, in the meantime, he plays a charade to portray he is "female." This is who he actually wants to be in his everyday life. Here he is being dishonest, IMO. S/he is actually a man, but he lives as a female......why?? I have no fucking clue!! In reality, he is dishonest with the world by being what he's not- Female. Now, when he sees his dad, he is actually who he is- a man. But seeing his dad, he's being dishonest about who he parades around town as. This is going to take more energy to explain than I have at this point. So, if you can figure all this out, more power to YOU!! Can you imagine what my life would be like if I admitted to being a bisexual nudist? If you see the paradox here, then you must see my point. But if you don't, you should see if I am honest about who I am, then I get, rejected AND arrested. I don't have anyone in my life now, so, how would I get along with less than that? Another writing I had created relays the DOUBLE discrimination against us BI's. I explained that we have 2 choices: BE HONEST about who we are, but then getting rejected, thus NO BF/GF OR Lie about our sexuality, but then never able to live a fulfilling and honest rewarding life With people judging me, it would even be worse and I would find NO ONE for me in this vast immense expanse. Since using extremes is never the answer, I can't really be totally honest with everyone, but I can't lie either, so I must remember to tell you what you ask but not reveal too much info about myself either. This strategy dominates. See below for my example: If you are a lady, you might see that guy across the room and you think to yourself, "Who is he?" "What is he all about?" "What about his likes and dislikes?" You continue to wonder about all these unique traits he might have. You could go on for a while and you finally realize, "All this mystery turns me on." That's what keeps you intrigued and your interest piqued. If you know everything about him, you will no longer have a special interest in him. If he reveals everything, then you will turn your sights towards another guy who, again, is mysterious. That's why the really smart ones will continue to leave their true selves in the cloud of the unknown so that his mystery will intrigue you. If you just release the bare bones about yourself, people will continue to wonder about you, so always say less. Remember, Less is More. You gals really love mystery, don't you? It's what turns you on into HOT mode. So don't reveal everything about yourself. Mystery is pertinent for attracting the hot babes. The point is, just be honest about who you are without giving away all your mystery at once. You won't lose the meaningful people in your life as I have.

Just woke up since mom, was cleaning my place up. Strange I go into the kitchen where she's making cookies. "Mom, doesnt it make more sense to do those BEFORE Xmas?" I inquire. She responds in a cute motherly tone, "Oh my dear son, Vince & Suzy Lou won't be here for another few hours. I got plenty of time. There you go, always doubting your mother......ME!" I don't quite get it. So I probe for more info, "I thought they were going to Montana this week to visit her family?" Strange Then I look down at Clive, Hmm, "I dont remember him having his haircut." Strange Then if too much isn't going on already, Dave drops by. "Hey dude man, I just wanted to drop these cookies off to you, and my Mom's special cake for the holidays." Strange "Really? But that cake has been my favorite since we were buds back in HS. Shes so sweet." "Well, must get back to my kids now, but Merry Christmas!" he says on his way out. Cake AND cookies from his mom & my BF Dave, I've known since we were kids. Strange As he is headed out the door, I notice some white material all over the ground. But it couldn't be snow, Im out west in CA, and it's like 70 degrees out. Strange Then as I turn around and start going back inside, I notice a gal walking her dog with NO clothes on? No, not the dog, her!! Nothing on!! Naw, couldn't be. Strange Once we open presents, after Mom gets a few of her favorite items, I open mine, and it's a brand new PC, since mine has been acting up lately. How did she know? Strange We all, including my bro and his wife Suzy, start eating Xmas dinner, and I notice that mom has not only made my favorite Xmas ham, but her potato salad is extra special delicious today. It has been a long time since I had her delicious, wonderful creation. Strange Just after dinner, mom tells me that my cousin, Leann, is on the phone. She even has some fantastic news! "Hey CJ, you will NEVER guess what happened!" she tells me, excited as ever. "No, I probably won't, it sounds majorly fabulous, if Im picking up on your merry voice," as anticipation builds within me. Knowing that I will never guess her wonderful news, she blurts out, "Davy is going to stay with me for a while and he has totally changed his attitude." "Ya....you mean your SON Davy?" I inquired, since he has not spoken to her for years or longer. I just couldn't believe it, she's right, I would have NEVER guessed her son that hasn't spoken to her in nearly a DECADE, is totally different now, and is treating her much better with the proper respect due her. Strange Mom comes up to me, "CJ, do you want to sample my Xmas punch, it's a lot like eggnog?" Im very pleased she even made it, "Of course mom, if that's the stuff Im thinking it is, I will drink till I drop!" saying it in a kidding manner. As she gets the pitcher from the kitchen, I notice that my TV works again. The cable signal and other little quarks have been very annoying, but it works fine now. Strange Now, Im ready to drink up that fabulous punch she made for me, as I wait patiently on my couch. I partake of her delicious concoction and since I was so zapped from the night before; I glance out the window as I sit on my couch and close my eyes, just resting them for a moment. I hear my phone ring, and.......? What? NO! It cant be?!?!!? WTF am I doing in bed? I was just on my couch a second ago.......wasnt I? I get up out of bed while I take a look around the house, calling my mother and my bro too. "Mom!! Vince, where are you guys?" I look everywhere in the house, but can't find them! Then I finally get to the kitchen and... NO punch NO cookies and.....what NO TV? Maybe I lost it, my mind that is? As a last ditch effort, I look outside and of course.... NO snow, as I figured. I finally figured it out!! NO family, so, NO bro and NO mom NO cookies, punch or cake NO company, as Im ALL alone again! NO TV NO cheer NO happiness So, in reality, NOT STRANGE!!!! BUT, there is plenty lonliness messed up home Hunger as there is NO food in the house today Everything beautiful, cheery, happy, and of course my relatives NOT actually here! ONLY ONE AND 1 ONLY, EXPLANATION for this whole "Merry" Xmas! Since I can NOT actually have these experiences, in reality. It was, without a doubt, a fucking DREAM!!! So, after ALL that cheer, goodwill towards me, holiday food, friend stopping by, It was, in reality, Xmas MOURNING for me, & Xmas morning for YOU, NEVER ME! I have really lost count, by now, of how many Xmas's I have been alone, notwithstanding all the other holidays There was just 1 thing that was reality, my Big Bro, Dave brought me some fudge. So, that was thoughtful of him. I guess since I got to see 1 whole person IRL, then I can smile for a brief moment, anyway. Sometimes I wish dreams & reality would switch places. Man, how I would love to stay asleep for my lifetime, if this ever was the case. QUOTE of inspiration: "The opposite of bravery is NOT cowardice, but conformity instead," Dr. Anthony Luv U BOTH, Christopher

I would absolutely LOVE to see what YOUR Xmas eve looks like, then we could trade off and then I could actually observe what it feels like to be around Friends & Family! Today, I stayed home alone, as usual, until I was chatting with a "pussy." I assure you I will explain this name and justify it later on. This, puss, invited me over. In making a longer story much shorter, I will simply state that we had our fun, and I then came back home. After that, the "USUAL" occurred. No worries, I will explain this one too. If you understood MY destiny AND MY life, YOU would COMPLETLY perceive my attitude AND MY eternal pain, to just how much agony my existence is being here. The rationale behind my suffering is that NOTHING EVER changes for me. If you have perused my previous posts recently, you know that Rob broke it off. I now just peck away on my keyboard at this PC and will write, at least until I can walk across the ocean. With NO Rob anymore, thus NO BF, I chat with others and pass my time until I can move on to the extra special place "UP THERE." Earlier at 4pm hear I arrived at Puss's place. As I stated, we both did our thing, and he made some pansyass excuse for him to ditch me. Before I left though, he said that he needed to go out with family, but after he finished by around 9pm, I would hear from him. Now, 7pm, I glanced at the app we met on, and this is the BEST part. If you don't feel like guessing what he did to me, I will just inform you he simply, BLOCKED ME, from chatting with him again. He, in reality, told me he would send me his # later before he would show up at MY place. Now, for me to explain how MY USUAL happened AGAIN! Its MY usual, because this has happened BEFORE! This was FAR from the 1st time! The last one first stole from me, then BLOCKED ME! That is much more obvious, but tonight's event, I have NO FUCKING clue, why. I will now explain why he and everyone else on these types of apps are total pusses. It is, since NONE of them can be up front & honest with me. Instead of being an actual MAN or even just an adult, and informing me WTF I did wrong this time, as well as many others, they just allow me to vacate, then they block me, with NO reason, NO explanation, NO words, really NO NOTHING!!!! By doing this to me, I am going to repeat my action invariably! Do you discern why I will keep on repeating this until doomsday? It is me not knowing, WTF I am doing wrong!! If I don't know the particular act I am doing to piss people off, or offend them, or upset them, or whatever it is that Im doing, then HTF am I going to cease doing it? So, this never-ending battle will continue until cars run on water!! OR until someone finally informs me, what it is that Im doing so beyond wrong! If you actually made it this far in reading this post, I will now award you with the inspiration that I have been trying to include with all my posts. May I present to you: That is your inspiration for listening to me & it stays with the theme today too! Thanks for your attention One ultimate word for you, YOU can take great pride in knowing that YOUR life is much happier and content and yes, even more fulfilling & enriching being with your wonderful family. Be sure to appreciate that! It could be MUCH worse for you, YOU could have MY life instead. LUV you BOTH, Chris

After I got home, I got a job as a mail runner. This lasted but a short time, about 6 months later fucking bastard bush declared war!! Guess what that means? Nothing to do with me? They didn't want me right? Did you remember the BAR to REENLISTMENT that I was so sternly given??? Do you recall that it meant, Did NOT want YOU back in the army, Do NOT EVER come back into the army AGAIN, YOU are NOT wanted back, EVER AGAIN?????? . Hmm, well, this is the, well, You KNOW! They ONLY do what suits THEM! If it's peacetime, then they have NO use for me, and don't even want to think of me! But since I was.... But when THEY REALLY need me during a fucking war, that the crooked politicians & fucked up leaders are always declaring, based on THEIR OWN PRIVATE agendas, THEN & ONLY THEN, do they need me! So, understand.... "Come the fuck back, we require you to serve, no matter what we said before! Because we only do what we want and dont care 1 bit how it affects you, we ONLY care for "US"A, not anything to do with any contract that we signed because we are ALWAYS above the law, and we don't have to listen to what we say unless we want to and it benefits us, and us alone." Understand? Me neither!! So, when WE sign a contract, WE ARE obligated to it. But when the fucking govt does anything, it never applies to them, unless it benefits them, as well as, if THEY WANT TO! So, the bar to reenlistment only stands if you want to come back, OR THEY say its valid. but since this is them, they CAN and WILL force you to do whatever THEY want, AND it suits ONLY THEM! So, after I got my mailgram, calling me back after I had such a fabulous time before, I was fucking pissed! All the while, when there was a female, I heard on the news that flat refused to go! She was even in a unit. So she should have gone in long before I did. But we all know they cant go in. They always say that they want to be equal but then they figure out ways they shouldn't have to do certain things. So they're never equal when it counts.  I was a civilian anyway, not in any way affiliated with the goddamn army, while SHE was in a unit already! Another injustice for me! YET again!! WTF else is new? But, I should be used to it by now, and the people in my life should get a basic understanding of why I despise the fucking govt. No worries, I got drunk off a bottle of crown and passed out for the night. I was really wondering what would happen to me. Was I coming back? Was I going to get killed? Was I going to get injured? Disabled? Have deformities on myself? I had.......NO fucking idea, what to even expect!. Then the day came. I was shipped off on a bus , and some of us guys partied on the bus, but we finally got to our destination, Ft Knox, KY. Uhm, Ft. Knox? "No, you guys have to go to APG, MD. Again!" the person says. "But I was there already, years ago for AIT." I was perplexed? "Yeah, I know. That's why you are going again to get a refresher course." I'm told. "Great! So why were we shipped here?" I inquired. "Cause our govt made a mistake!" "Haven't you ever made a mistake?" I'm asked. "Uhm, yeah, plenty. But I'm not the govt who is perfect and never makes mistakes and is above the law." I inform them. "No worries, the govt never pays for their mistakes, the taxpayers do, so they don't care, off with you now!" Yeah, that makes perfect sense. I figure since the god damned govt is overrun with bureaucrats and always back asswards, why else would they NOT give a fuck? I just hope ALL the americans, dont mind this MAJOR financial burden that the ALL powerful and considerate gov are placing upon them. So, we were off again, to APG. Then, we get there, we get our training, and again, I get shipped off to.........? A little place called Giessen? Now, I am here, in another country, as far from my home as I have EVER been, was a whole new world! I was on a small installation and was back in the barracks, AGAIN! All of us newbie visitors, here only temporarily, fresh off the block, were told to see the 1st SGT, an E8. An E8? You sure? Uhm, well, that's what a 1st SGT is. OK lets find out. So, we go in to meet him, and.... Wait! He's just an E7! How can HE be a 1st SGT? AND OH, SHIT!! Don't tell me! He looks familiar too! The same fat fuck as BEFORE!! Then, he says to ME, "Hey, I know YOU!" How does my horrible luck persevere? I mean, really? WTF????? Guess!.. WTF I run into now? Yup, you guessed it! Fat fucking SFC Guerra! Remember him? Oh, well, I will be MORE than happy to refresh your memory. The one who wanted to "smack my goddamn ass!" AND also, the one who was going to Germany! One in the same. So, it all adds up now. He was acting as a 1st SGT, an E8 position, even though his fat sorry ass, was only an E7. Apparently, in the great proficient army, if they are short of E8s, they will give the position to the highest-ranking E7 in the unit. He needed an extra rocker at the bottom, AND the diamond in the middle! So, when I saw him and he recognized me, instead of saying one word to him, I said to my SSG next to me who was my squad leader, "I kind of need to talk to you like, NOW!!" Later on, I spoke with my platoon SGT, SFC Rousseau. Well Well, guess what little, (if that's even the right word here), tidbit I find out? I actually come to find out that he actually outranks FAT Guerra, I really wish I knew why he wasn't in the 1st SGT position. But, I stop & think....... while putting it ALL together. 1st you need to, COMBINE: Our streamlined govt Backasswards Politics UNFAIR FAVORITISM Then I simply, "Oh yeah! Now I get it!" But, at least he was really cool. Another SFC Ray. After all, there were some real cool ones that I ran into in my time. I even remember drinking with him, that's how fucking cool he was! I have to wonder what happened to some of these great people/leaders. I will NEVER know though. I hope Dave Ray is ok. His fam too! To date, this was the only time in my entire life that I made it to Europe. Guerra did explain that German beers are a lot stronger than the watered down American ones. Why does this NOT surprise me? But, I tried crystal wessien while there. But now that Im here again, I will usually drink HEFE weissen, with a lemon wedge. Yes, Yum it is, especially on plenty of hot days out here! Also for the first time in my life, I had mayo with fries. Uhm, Mayo with fries? YUP! That's what I said, MAYO w/FRIES. Or, maybe it was FRIES with MAYO, something like that! I also had schnitzel brochen and bratwurst. Also in Germany, they actually charge you about 30 phennies for ketchup at Mc D's. NOTE: Disregard my great spelling of all these German terms. Only there once! I remember just like always, there was another Sgt that had a problem with my haircut. These fucking SGTs had NOTHING better to do. So, after I got it cut, I saw him as I was going back to the barracks. After he made a remark, I asked him if he was happy with it. One of the soldiers around him asked him if he heard what I said, and later he had me in a room (seems to be a trend for me) and was counseling me about it. He asked me which unit I was from and I set him straight and said, "I'm not from a unit, I'm from back on the block, get it right!" But thankfully, the SSG who was my squad leader, who actually outranked this puny E5, came in and told me to leave. Right on, Sarg, you go! Saved again! He also told the nosy bold SGT to leave me alone, while I walked out as told. So, see, there were some cool ones too. This same SGT was picking on the fat IRR guy too, (Oh, I didn't mention him, ok stand by) so my SSG was getting kind of sick and tired of the little BUCK SGT. Ok, now for the fat IRR guy. Nothing much to say about him, just that he was another IRR like I was, only......uh....ah...bit more....mm........FAT! Remember, we were guys who were supposed to be the fuck out of the goddamn army!! We weren't supposed to be here!! Understand??? The ONLY reason we were here was because of fucking bastard BUSH!! and all his hidden secret CIA agendas. Now I know how some of the Vietnam soldiers feel. Another item worth clueing you in on, was when we had to pull guard duty. Listen, how the ARMY made us do it. UNloaded weapon at night in a foreign country during war! Now, who here thinks that is a good idea? ANYone??? Well, not me! Then you will see this: Oh, shit!!! I'm NOT jeopardizing NAT security, am I?? Hmmm, if I am...TOUGH! When you come to get me, just come in shooting then, got it? GOOD! Why would you have a soldier guard anything during wartime with an UNloaded weapon? ESPECIALLY, at NIGHT, in a FOREIGN COUNTRY? I have NO fucking clue myself! But, just remember, that's OUR great caring proficient good old Govt, for ya!! The same exact one that you vote for and getting these crooked politicians into. But aside from the stupidity & ignorance of our lovely govt, that we are under the control of, I had a pretty good time trying all the beer. I think this was around the time that I started gaining weight too. I wonder why? So I did a lot of partying and ran into one girl at a bar, that actually spoke English. I spoke the best I could of German, but I only could do the basics. In other countries, they are much different from the USA. In the USA, for instance, I, apparently as an American, am required to learn non-native languages to make others comfortable in MY country. In OTHER countries, I must learn THEIR language, because I'M the visitor. Does that just make perfect sense to you? Good! or maybe I should say, GREAT, instead. Because most things I don't quite get, but as long as one of us comprehends this, I guess that's all that matters. DO NOT CLICK AWAY/ LEAVE NOW, WE ARE ABOUT TO GET TO THE GREAT PARTS!! Oh, I must give you an incentive to stay? OK, feast your eyes on this juicy, RED..................LIGHT DISTRICT While there, we went to Frankfurt on a train, the only time I was on a train in my life. He took me to the "Red Light District." At the time, I wasn't quite sure WTF that was. But after seeing it with my own eyes! Yes, just like window shopping because when I was walking down the hall, the chicks were just chillin in their room and some were scantily dressed if at all. Some were relaxing in their hammocks, a few were actually right at their doors. One of them gave me a hand job, but that was about it. After the partying, and other fantastic activities it was almost time to GTFO again. When we IRR's were getting ready to leave, we were just standing around waiting. Remember, still in the army so this was quite normal, another favorite activity in the military. Remember "hurry up and wait?" Then as a 1st SGT came by, and I don't quite remember exactly what I did, but one of the other IRR guys, it was actually the FAT one that I mentioned earlier, practically snapped at me, "If I ever see you be-bopping around like that in front of a 1st SGT again, you will be sorry." WTF did I do exactly? Why he's worried about what I do, in front of a SGT, as I'm getting out anyway, I have NO fucking clue. But remember, it's ALWAYS MY fault! You should have that ingrained into your memory banks by now. So I didn't bother saying anything, because back in those days I didn't say too much, and we were BOTH getting out to come back to this "lovely CUNTry." So, I didn't want to fuck that up, I wanted back here! No, don't ask me why. It would take too long to fig it out. Now, if you want to speak up against me, GOOD LUCK!! Since my luck is always so fucking great, just take a wiId guess to who I sit by? Right next to him on the flight back home. Absolutely CORRECT!!! We did have the best seats in the house though because we were at the front of the plane and must have been 1st class. It was like a lazy-boy recliner. Seriously? Yes, I'm serious! Therefore, I wont really complain! It was decades ago, back in the start of the 90's, so who cares now?? Are we finished yet?? YUP!!. we sure are!!!! Seriously? Yes, I'm serious! Why do you keep asking me the same question over again? That means NO MORE fucking army ever!!!! Good night! But before you split......... HEED my advise!!! MY ADVICE: Have a great time in your life BUT, don't EVER join the army! Do you understand me? DONT JOIN!!

Upon graduation from AIT, it was an inspiring feeling of profound accomplishment! So, after I got finished with this step of my ongoing challenging, yet very rewarding journey, my PDA, is the very next stage to move to, once and for all! This stage is where all my training is finally complete, and where I move on to my permanent duty station where I begin to perform my job, on through my departure date from the service. Do you remember the location where I chose for my PDA? Well, I know it WASNT OK, just above TX! Wasn't it the beautiful islands of...........HI? Told you they were just dream sheets, well, now that I gave it away, I'm in Ft. Sill, OK bordering with the very small insignificant military town of Lawton. I'm really quite surprised how much it actually reminds me of Erie, PA, my childhood hometown. Both very small with only a couple major roads and even the same size airport, can you believe they both have only 2 gates? I really must admit its not the greatest PDA. On top of this very disappointing fact, I arrived at the beyond perfect time! Christmas! Of ALL times of the year, to arrive on a military base! The very time that the entire base was shut down and also when everyone vanished & were completely gone. After I somehow managed to contact my platoon SGT to pick me up from battalion headquarters, he just dropped me off in a empty room that the occupants had left. So, I had to stay in this room all alone and also attempted to acquire food from a place called, "Sub shack and pizza," Yes that's actually it, instead of perhaps calling it more properly, "pizza and sub shack" which makes much more sense than saying sub shack and something. It just sounds better, right? It turns out that I was assigned to the battalion, 1/78th FA( Field artillery). This consists of about 4-5 batteries, which then have 3 platoons. At some very surprising, and also unexpected point, I actually find out that I'm in the... can you guess? Would you happen to know who else is also there? Would you actually believe, of all those who could be here? The trainees!!! Yes, the very ones that are in basic training! So, maybe if you recall from earlier on, that some very "up to speed?" guy told me I would NEVER be around trainees! But now, who am I around? But when I wasn't anywhere near them, I was actually around others who really enlightened me about something I was not at all familiar with. I actually for the very first time ended up learning what "near beer" is. Imagine that! Coming from NV, I really never even heard of this. I learned that OK does not even have normal "real" beer, as they actually have 3.2% ABV, instead of the normal up to 6% ABV, everywhere else. In order to get a stronger beer, I remember having to go to a liquor store or all the way to Wichita Falls, TX. We did go down there once and for some reason, Fergie couldn't show his ID, so we ended up driving onto the base, for some reason. Since my Military ID and Drivers license, birthdays didn't match, I was apprehensive to show both of them to the guard. Fortunately, he didn't want to do the paperwork for punishing me for not having one of my IDs, so it worked out fine. It was because the military ID I had, had a different birthday on it so I could buy liquor. Since I was only 18, even though I was fighting for/serving my fucking country that didn't even allow me to partake of any great drinks, and could die for it, I was NOT allowed to buy/drink alcohol. Sounds fair enough. Yeah, its the typical fucking fair and reasonable govt, as always, without fail! Remind me to tell you how they handle bars to re-enlistment This reminds me of another time before I got my ID changed, I was out with Bruce and his friend, while they were trying to get me into a bar, they attempted transferring the hand stamp from his friend's hand to my hand, and of course, it didn't work. But nice try guys, thanks anyway. There was a bar just out of town, can you guess the name? Did you guess "City Limits?" Wow! maybe you were there? Yes, this bar I somehow managed to get into. Trying to remember the screwy laws that OK had, here at the bar, I think they could only serve beer and I remember getting plenty. One thing they did do, which I was appreciative of, actually them just looking out for themselves, if a light flashed - that meant the pigs were coming. So we had to be on our best behavior. So I made sure I wasn't drinking because remember, I can DIE for my fucking country, but still too young and irresponsible to partake of alcohol. Yes, that makes perfect sense to me! During my daily journeys, I made it to the mess hall a few times a day. So, I just have to relay my most wonderful & very pleasant experience with this really GUNG-HO DS, one time. Since I was PP (Perm Party) I was allowed to go into the mess hall without waiting in line. So, on another "fun" day, this one very bold brave gung ho MF DS, who just happened to be a SSG E6, didn't want to let me through. But when I spoke back to him, he really hated the fact that I stood up for myself. So, the next thing on his agenda, was attempting to humiliate me in front of his trainees. This MF SSG actually had the balls & told me to drop!! (Do push-ups) I didn't have to because I was PP, remember? Apparently he wasn't quite sure what permanent party was, I surmised he didn't really have any clue, as it wasn't within his own mind, because I asked him... what part of PP don't you comprehend? Since I knew that I didn't have to do the same things as the trainees, I just stood my ground. When I did this though, this DS didn't get the message that I was PP. My patch on my left shoulder signified that I was PP and NOT a trainee. But since he was oblivious, I eventually, did have to get someone from my unit to straighten him out. Then to my disappointment, it was just my luck, I only found another E6, of equal rank. No higher rank was available right then. So, this SSG didn't really do jack. He just stood at parade rest, hands behind back, modified version of attention, while he just stood there doing nothing at all, and also NOT saying anything at all either. To this very day, I don't remember him saying, jack shit! He just stood there as still as can be, listening to the other SSG DS that was equal rank. But after all this hassle, I did actually get to walk thru to eat. Then on another fun filled day, during my wonderful military experience, I ran into SSG Cooper. This guy had just about every patch I could ever think of, on his uniform, starting with Airborne Ranger progressing through Special Forces, all the way up to Green Beret, if memory serves. This dude was cool as fuck! I even remember him picking me up from the airport. Well, its really too bad the fun times only lasted so long. Later it was revealed that all his patches really should be somewhere else, because at some point he took most, if not all, of them back off his uniform. We actually found out that he really wasn't authorized to wear any of them at all! That totally caught me way off guard! During this whole fiasco, I caught up with him and confronted him. "Why would you wear all those patches if you weren't even authorized to?" He didn't really have any valid answer at all. He just told me that he was getting out of the service, anyway. Are you ready for my next story? This next one is going to throw you for a loop! Since all this happened so very long ago, I will concentrate on just the main points. SGT Vaught was also in my unit. I really had nothing against him at all. The very abrupt unanticipated reaction to his movement though, really beyond surprised me, while it also fully revealed just how much supremacy and authority the military industrial complex actually has. Their domination over servicemembers is way beyond out of control! Brace yourself for this one, because patches have nothing over what happened to Vaught. Keep in mind, that SGT Vaught was just a buck SGT, so an E5. To the best of my recollection, Vaught misplaced more than just a few grenades. Perhaps a crate? Now if you think taking off a few miniscule patches is harsh or intense, just attempt to comprehend what getting busted down to absolutely nothing feels like! YES! Believe it! He got busted all the way down to NO rank whatsoever! He got demoted ALL the WAY from e5 - e1 for losing grenades. Try to understand that he didn't just get demoted 1 rank, as in an E4, they took everything he had away! What makes this so goddamn deplorable, is the fact that this would NEVER happen in reverse, EVER! The military, and the government overseeing it, has always been unreasonable to members of its ranks! This extremely iniquitous punishment against Vaught was completely immoral! Hoping that you understand my pertinent intent here, its absolutely NO problem, EVER, in the least to strip him of ALL his rank, but consider the case moving entirely in the opposite direction. Do you ever in your entire existence, surmise that they would even consider promoting an E1 straight up to an E5? Hmmm, not really sure, but I would venture to make a safe bet, and conclude they might do it, perhaps on the very same day that we can walk on water or swim to the very bottom of the ocean! How do you feel about the BIG HAPPY WONDERFUL military so far?? Now, I should begin with MY OWN personal adventures. Keeping in mind I was just a punk kid out of HS, I really hadn't had much work experience. I really had had only a couple of part time jobs by this time. So, since I was such a model soldier while I was working for Alpha battery, they figured out a way for Bravo Battery to find me to their liking. After all, they always seemed to have some reason for other personell to actually operate the equipment, instead of me most of the time. So, eventually Alpha simply pawned me off to Bravo batt. Alpha batt, worked on the self-propelled artillery, while Bravo batt, worked on the towed artillery. This was what differentiated them. So even though I was trained officially in self prop, they pawned me off to towed. For a while this seemed to work. Eventually Bravo had the very same feelings for me as Alpha did. Then something happened. AGAIN!! Now, Bravo seemed to acquire a similar notion as Alpha originally had. Therefore, when "special duty" came up and gave an opportunity for Bravo batt to graciously volunteer someone for this duty, I'm sure you must know who they had at the top of their list. Of course they loved me so much that they, at some point, had no reservations sending me on assignment for 2-3 months. The new place was called "Range control" Yeah! You guessed it! I worked on the ranges, and other basically bullshit duty. I think they also loved me just as much as bravo did, because they sent me right back to bravo. Yes, everyone, I was loved back then just as much as I am today. During my duty at range ctrl though, I did meet SFC David W. Ray. That means he was an E7. You can only go up to an E9, so he was up there in rank. But he was as cool as fuck!! Needless to say, he was best friend while I was in the army! We got to know each other and he actually had me over a few times, where I had the pleasure of meeting his family. I will NEVER forget him and his wonderful family, Kristi and Lil Davy. Oh, I almost forgot Grizz, Bronca, and Dixie. They were their kids???? NO! Their Rottweilers. I actually was going to get 1 of Grizz's pups, but never did. He did take me on his boat and other fun things that I will never forget. I even kept in touch with them after I was back home. At some point, he talked about having me back to help him with things. But we never connected and I never saw them again. I can only hope they are all fine. On to my next escapade as you continue to be well versed with all of my memorable antics. I do remember that I had had such an affinity for the barracks, with all their lovely unannounced inspections, that I finally stayed with a couple of guys off base in their house. Obviously, this was not official, as the military would never allow such an appealing arrangement to actually occur. This was the 2nd situation that requisite to be concealed. The 1st was my fraternization with Dave & family. The were times after evening formation that I vanished so fast after evening formation, SGT Zuber mentioned it. The 1st SGT and my platoon SGT were actually talking about inspecting the house I was living in, off base but thank god they never did. Because it was a total major mess! While I was still employed by Alpha, I had acquired my first car, a 67 barracuda, that ended up being propped up on blocks. This car never really got driven since I was essentially sold a lemon. At best, this one really needed a TON of work, including the body, which had too much bondo all over it. In light of all this, is probably the reason that I only paid a whopping $500 for it. It also seemed like it took an act of congress just to obtain the title. At the time I didn't really have access to them. Well, what should I do? Hmmm, I perhaps have a thought that may work. I KNOW!!!!! My 1st SGT! He is, an E8, the enlisted SGT in charge of the batt, which remember, E9 is the absolute highest possible, so he was way up there in the ranks. I will never forget 1st SGT Wolf. Now he was one, you really didn't want to fuck with, or especially get on your bad side at all. Believe me, take my word on this one! But he did end up helping me when he called the SSG E6 who sold me the barracuda with no title. He threatened to call the NCO support channel on him. No, I have no idea what that is, but I assume you don't want to deal with it, so I acquired my title. Thanks, 1st Sarg! When you are that high in rank you get called 1st SGT. E8 and below was just called SGT Well, do you really desire to continue? If you took your break, I will continue My next story proves how invariably DISHONEST the government always is! Since my whole ordeal in the army was so pleasant, all the time, I was on CQ (Charge of Quarters) duty one night. This meant 1 NCO, (NON-Commissioned Officer) which was usually E5-E7, and I were required to work at the battalion level, which is made up of about 4 batteries/companies. I and SSG Stiff were on duty while the rest of the world slept. I knew it was going to be a long night so I guess I was trying to keep us both awake and joke around a little. I must have gone too far because he got up and said, "I'm pissed now!" The next thing I know my head is slammed up against the wall and bleeding. As he has me forced up & pinned to the wall, he then says, "there's a time to be serious!" So, like my whole life, I fucked up again, and it's ALL MY FUCKING fault. So I always bring it on myself, its NEVER about anyone else, its never them! Its ALWAYS my fault, EVERY SINGLE time. So yes I get it and I totally understand, ok? So I didn't know what else to do, as I could see that I was, by far, NOT in his good graces, so the only response for me was just to get up and leave. Staying was not an option. So, I just walked out to think of my next move while I got help. As usual, no one was ever around when I needed them so the only one I could find was a DS from one of the training units. He wanted me to walk on his left side, but not his right. Not to worry, I have no idea either. He called SFC Maldanado, who was in my unit so I knew him, so he could deal with the situation internally, and he spoke with me. Of course, it eventually went to the BC (Battery Commander) usually a CPT. So I do remember speaking with him and SFC Durden while we were in my room. The only little tid-bit I can recall from here was that Durden made some remark that I wasn't saying, "Sir" often enough. When all was said and done, the fucking nigger gets away with it and said I "slipped on a bar of soap" In short, he denies it. But don't worry, "justice was served," as it was ALL MY FAULT, HE was the SGT, I was the PVT, so I was the one responsible for everyone and everything. He has no responsibility for his actions. Am I clear? Great!! We'll move on then! So, if I was a straight serious MF, this would not have happened. So it was ALL MY FUCKING FAULT! And another time, I accidentally damaged a truck door, and because the other guys there, were laughing at me, I fig I would laugh too, (Yeah I know, not the best action I could have done!) and because I laughed, the two Mother fuckers said it was me who fucked up and also that I laughed, so, indubitably, I got to pay for it! unlike the other two MF that laughed or in routine circumstances where the fucking goddam govt pay for it themselves. Never in my case because its ALWAYS MY FUCKING FAULT, NEVER ANYONE ELSES. Understand? I will mention that it takes a unique person to be in the military. You have to be very attentive and not think, just do what you're told. Simple! So, LISTEN UP! HMM, so far you would be TOP-NOTCH! As long as you do this and then move your body according to the commanders orders & dictations, YOU would be OPTIMAL!! For those of you that think, however, like me for instance, it's just NOT a good place for you or for me, as you have seen thus far. If you have a brain and desire to be yourself, and think like a normal person, and be a little different, it's not a good place for you. If you want to be controlled 24/7 and told what to do 24/7, like how to sleep, act, eat, drink, and be under control even when you are off base, this bullshit is PERFECT for you! That's EXACTLY why I am NOT a fit at ALL. OH SHIT!!! I never introduced you to guerra. He was, my platoon SGT, SFC Guerra, he was always getting on me about shaving. Sometimes I didn't bother to do it EVERYDAY, because it was too hard on my baby face. Then one day, he got me in a room by myself and I started to explain, "SGT, I...." but then... "Shut up before I smack your god damn ass!" he retorts back. I figure after my experience with Stiff, I better do it. Cause you know how it works, if I would have said something and he did smack me, who would believe a lowly shit PVT over an upstanding, believable, and fat E7 like him? After that, I just did what I was told and acted like a perfectly good little subservient soldier, and did EXACTLY what I was dictated/ordered to. I finally learned my lesson(s) after all, I must learn someday!! Also, even though OK didn't have any helmet law or anything else to wear while on a motorcycle, I, as an army GI, (government issue) was required to wear..... ready for this list? You better be! Helmet, of course reflective road guard vest boots gloves face protection long pants long-sleeved shirt etc etc etc EVEN OFF the base! Now, when you are a GI, you are susceptible to not only state law but military too. So, if I was in Lawton, the town outside the base, I would not just deal with the local town pigs, but the fucking MP's too. Basically Double Jeopardy. Yes, against the 5th amendment, I know. But we all know how well the fucking govt listens intently to their own rules. But don't think, for a second, that it was ALL bad, I did get a single moment of fun too. When I and SPC Rothfus were driving his old muscle car, we were racing another one, and then the bitch in the car even flashed us! But now, remember that you are not allowed to have any harmless fun, because just then both of us got pulled over, us & the other car. While we were stopped, I do remember, that the other car not only had a delicious looking bottle of liquor but also a nice new shiny shotgun too. Isn't that just fantastic? We can only just assume what happened to him. Oh wow!!! Are we finally getting to the end? Well, stay right here and keep on reading, for the answer!! But after my many "joyful" experiences and my one single brief fun time, it was finally that time. To go home???? Sounds like it.......It was almost time for ETS. Now, what does that stand for? Well maybe, Is it Estimated Time of Separation? OR is it Expired Term of Service? I have actually heard both versions,. I recall that I overheard SFC Guerra was being transferred to Germany. Well, I guess it didn't matter, since I was getting out anyway. Unless by some act of the fucking govt, they would send me to Germany? But, how the fuck would this happen to me? Ha-ha, LOL, I'm GTFO (getting the fuck out!) No worries for me. But when I got my ETS, the only stipulation was that I didn't come back! Hmm, I wonder why??? It is called a Bar to REenlistment. Now, it is imperative and crucial that YOU understand what this is!! Read below and DO NOT miss this!! It means: We DONT WANT YOU, DONT COME BACK. DONT TRY TO Reenlist WE DONT WANT YOU!! NO OTHER WAY TO PUT IT. GOT IT????? Now you are gone, NO further relationship ever again. Now don't forget what they said, I was NOT to be in the army ever again!! REMEMBER THIS!! Now, (or actually then) I did a dity move. This is where I move myself and, by god, the govt actually pays for it. I know, amazing huh? I know, I'm surprised too. I weighed my car and trailer BOTH when empty AND when full. This shows how much I am transferring out of the army. That way I could get reimbursed based on weight. Since I was driving, I thought it would be good to have a gun for protection. I looked around at pawn shops and finally saw my Taurus 357 mag. calling out to me. I bought it when I was just 20, my first gun ever! The memorable moment here is when he asked me if I was 21. I think I said something like, "Sure" I'm actually somewhat surprised that really worked, because saying it that way, almost sounds sarcastic. But it worked! I bought my first gun B4 I was 21. NO ID, NO checks, NO days like that anymore. These Days are long fucking gone. Don't we wish we had those days again? Not in this new fucking world and new everything else and the NWO that's coming and already being put into action. YOU just wait for what's coming next!!! If you think these muzzles are bad..... I had acquired an 80 Dodge Mirada, with a 318 V8, from SSG Barth, which was ok, not the best shape but thought it would make it back to Vega$. Forget about the old cuda from 67 that I remarked about earlier, got rid of it. At some point Dave told me to carry enough cash for the trip, but I didn't bring too much. So I ventured from Lawton, OK heading west to Vega$ NV. In the process, I broke down 3 times. 1st it was a thermostat. then the belt then last, it was the pump. The greatest cooling system I had? I should have listened to Dave and brought enough cash. The only thing that saved me was my 87 Honda Hurricane, yup the old CBR600, fastest bike I ever owned, that was in the trailer I was pulling, that I also forgot to mention. Yes, cell phones are faster, as long as you have one, but this was before they were popular. Drove it to a gas station and got a truck to tow my car. The car worked ok then on Bye now - I wont miss you! Now I was FINALLY OUT of the fucking army!!!! ONCE AND 4 ALL!! Or was I? Stay tuned.............perhaps for the sequel?

This year was the WORST 1 yet. Not sure of the plan - but it will be the downfall! 10 Lessons I learned & accomplishments. Realized I will NEVER find "The one." Rob broke it off Dec 1st Launched MY own Website. My blog here. Started a course on Udemy on Persuasive writing. Finish by 31st. Learned difference of Subject vs Topic Transferred most of my blogs from FL to Wix. Determined to continue writing, w/o further people taking anymore People come into your life for a while then can leave as quickly as they came.* Finally grasped that MY destiny is to be alone to continue writing. There are only few interested in my topic, Does nude harm kids? Lily is keen on my erotica blogs. Quora deleted my space, just like everyone, equates N=S * This yr, reinforced this lesson from last yr GOALS - for '21 Pursue writing career, continue with my 2 main topics. Write at least 1 in depth article regarding nude. Continue site, may get 1 site strictly on nude, (Bisexuality?) Consider advocate/activist for Nude & BI Reach out to young Bi's and encourage them. Finish site to be prof, attract more readers.

My, or at least he was until Tues, Dec 1st, 20, so very COMPLETELY SPECIAL Robert, who was my all around BEST man & great friend, not to mention, my ONLY "husband" ever, that I have ever found, OR WILL EVER find, in my ENTIRE lifetime was the SOLE one, that I have ever so deeply and profoundly cared for, while I passionately fell for him, bringing me into a state of totally blissful & extreme ecstasy in the most wild loving way I have ever experienced in my life. On Dec 1st, this extremely awful, totally UNFORGIVABLE worst day ever, that I will forever earnestly wish I could re-live, and completely transform the very truly worst decision of my ENTIRE existence that I somehow made that appears to be.... ...UNFORGIVABLE, giving me the worst pain of an eternal heart and soul break, in this now eternally hopeless, and also pointless life with no further purpose or any more motivation to do anything further with my life. Rob, being the most extraordinary & absolutely exceptional gentleman that he was, who once was my very own, took time in being sincere & genuine in his COMPLETELY & absolutely honest, unique & gentle, loving way. He conveyed the highest honor I have ever received by allowing me the privilege of being part of his inspiring, uplifting life. Being almost certain that he, the ONLY one I have ever given my loving heart to, will never see this extremely heartfelt yet sorrowful post, I will attempt my very BEST to return the honor he so graciously bestowed upon me, by conveying in the best way I know how, what a totally virtuous and well beyond irreproachable loving soul he really always was to me. This post, held in his distinguished honor, is the only way I know to honor him in the most noble and prominent way I can. I shall begin by showing the significant process he practiced in his very own loving nature. He always had an eminently acute sense of not only SELF-respect but also giving me the utmost respect I deserved as well. Considering just one manner in which he accomplished this, was his constant, profound concern for me, regarding my pertinent needs, like my good health while I took excellent care of myself. As he completely immersed himself fully into my prominent & pertinent needs, he also wanted me to set challenging, yet achievable goals. His considerate, thoughtful & commendable actions, made me much more aware of his loving, very sincere demeanor & his constantly calm mannerisms. His way of always being able to keep a level head, even in trying times, never failed to amaze me! I will never forget the time when a car nearly ran me over while so flagrantly ignoring the crosswalk I was in, in retaliation, I angrily showed them just how I felt about being invisible, by pounding on their roof. Care to take a wild guess to the way my very special Rob acted? Would you believe that he just looked into my eyes, with the same love and concern he always did, then while remaining perfectly calm, he simply asked me, in his gentle, soft spoken voice, that I have always admired, "Are you crazy?" This well-intentioned, totally level headed gentleman NEVER ... yelled screamed got angry at all jumped up and down had a bad temper OR ever lost it at all! Are you seeing just how BEYOND FUCKING AWESOME & SPECIAL he was? The extreme power he had in his forthright acts & selfless motives were astonishing to me, as his constant ability of showing his true genuine motivation totally shocked me his very sincere giving actions, never with ulterior motives in mind. Considering all his many capabilities, I truly believe that he must have ALL THE positive sought after traits, that everyone everywhere, constantly wants, needs, and attempts to attain. He was invariably always so thoughtful, the way he steadily spoke to me calmly and patiently about my annoying faults and negative shortcomings, especially with my temper, while simultaneously making lucid well thought out suggestions and also giving the best advice I must have ever received from such a special loving man. In fact, to enlighten you to all his beyond admirable traits he has within, I will simply just list them now! These are just some of his very inspiring and loving traits: Intelligent, caring, protective, always looking out for me, and also all the others he cares so much for, while he gives such brilliant advice, and so very patient-YES Very! and on top of everything else, very level-headed, while I’m NOT! On the special MUG, I gifted to him; I relayed his very special qualities that I always saw in him and admired very much. His MUG proudly displays his very best attributes & qualities that he always showed me. They were: Loving Level headed Protective Intelligent Awesome Thoughtful Generous Supportive The mere brief instant that passed way too quickly, while I existed in his very serene and extremely inspiring world, vanished quicker than it came. During this, almost non-existent, time together, he tried his utmost to instill at least a few of his beyond many admirable qualities, traits, and even his rare attributes, the only way he knew how. He will always be memorable, as he is a rare & unusual find, being in such a specialized, exclusive class far above ALL the rest! Being so very simple to comprehend, my sincere deeply profound heartfelt thoughts will touch you on a very deep level, but only if you take in the very essence and also completely undeniable meaning as I strive to convey my particularly tough message to YOU! I firmly attest, with no question or reservations, with complete undeniability and total honesty, that the sole love of my entire life, known as, Robert L. Padilla, will infinitely be the type of man that I can only dream of even being in the same league as him, let alone, ever becoming the type of beyond extraordinary man he has always been, while he continues without barriers, to retain all of his enviable and very well respected, (especially by me) heroic attributes, well beyond this brief pause on our eternal journeys. I really have absolutely NO idea in mind, on my next step in life, other than to perhaps just submit my once powerful will, over to someone who has attained the appropriate knowledge to arrive at the best decisions in life. Maybe they just might succeed in the difficult art of making proper decisions, while they also triumph over disheartening decisions, and start making mine for me, finally! But they have NO need for me either. This totally beyond patient man, who constantly had only my best interests in mind, and at heart, will eternally keep his very own special spot, in what is now, my excruciatingly & completely painful heart & soul. Before I begin, with my final word to him, the only one I will NEVER EVER forget, not only him, but the thoughtful, loving, caring gestures he always had for me. I will also ALWAYS & ETERNALY remember YOU, Robert, in my now, very sorrowful and bleak, but also very loving thoughts and hopeful prayers for you. In this closing outreach, that I most sincerely hope to convey my completely sorrowful and heartfelt thoughts, this closing goes out to Robert L. Padilla, once totally mine, the most well-respected man I will ever meet in my life. I firmly attest to YOU, this very moment, that I am way BEYOND sorry for what I so harshly & disrespectfully brought myself to do that hurt you in any way whatsoever! Believe me, my once very special BF, Robert, when I strongly and soundly decisively affirm that I would give ANYTHING in my power, just to re-live that dreadful day again, in order to change it to a much more positive and fulfilling day for us BOTH! Apparently, this is goodbye, but it will perpetually hurt me evermore! I will ALWAYS LOVE you, ROB, INFINITELY! my ONE & ONLY DEAREST Robert Love YOU forever, Your "husband"

I think I have given up. Because, RIP - My relationship Sept 25th, 2019 - We met Oct 17th, 2019 - dating Dec 1, 2020 - NO more I have been in a few relationships in this past half century. NONE, however, have ever been, nor ever will be, as blissful and so very gratifying as mine was with Rob. The 1st one ever that was everything I ever dreamt of and wanted. 1st impression - He was so fucking gorgeous! Perfect body AND YOUNG, SWEET & SMOOTH! This is exactly what I have ALWAYS wanted! Then as we converged and joined our new lives together, he was the ONLY one to ever have ME completely in such high regard without even giving himself a 2nd thought. He was always looking out for me, NEVER to have any ulterior motives or deep dark self interests of any kind. He was always urging me to better myself and be very healthy in everything I did along with suggesting I further my education. He was 150% Self-LESS always concerned about me exclusively. I fucked my life up beyond words, feelings, and emotions today when I left him sleeping and headed home. The absolute WORST decision I ever made. He, unfortunately, didn't know I had left and called me when I was already on the freeway. We spoke, and he asked me if I snuck out on him like I did once before. Since I didn't have the balls to say, "yes" I told him I was just out and would be back, and he even asked for me to bring him breakfast. I continued on and knew I was totally out of line and doing what I SHOULD NOT have done. Deep down I was & still am languishing about what I did and always will. Now I am regretting it eternally. He called me one last time and gave me his ultimatum. "Come back to help me or I will break it off." But the LAST thing that I would want is for him to do that. Because, I was, however, by that time over 100 miles away. I was half way between my home and his. It was just too far to turn back. I had to decide between, going all the way back and wasting all the good time I had made traveling OR just go on. I continued on with the inappropriate and painful decision I had made. I will always suffer for this horrible and atrocious decision for the rest of my existence. I was trying to get back home to be on time for a lousy service call. As a few minutes elapsed after I spoke with him, my buddy called and said he would be there for it. I felt it was way too far to turn back. So, after finding out my bud was going to be there after all, it was the absolute worst conduct I could have ever done. I know. You are absolutely correct! I am the biggest fucking complete imbecile total moron ever! I must now live with, 1st, my breach of trust and then my horrible inept dreadful decision that I made with no afterthought of how I could have made a much better one. How we dreadfully wish we could just go back to change our unjustness to others. If all I do is hurt others, I will stop this very moment henceforth. I will just be a recluse and write until my hands fall off or my eyes pop out, whichever happens first. After I made it home, I took care of things first, then called him, and tried to explain. I really did not even know what to say. It didn't matter in the least as, he just simply said, "take care." I knew at that point, it was completely hopeless. If I could have walked on water it would not have made the tiniest mend to our relationship. The only remaining question is, did I get what I deserved? OR is the punishment of losing him just way too beyond harsh? So I will not look for another relationship ever again. No one on the face of this earth could EVER, EVER even come close to replacing him at all. NO ONE anywhere can ever fulfil what I felt with Rob. My forever dearest Rob, if there was/is ANYTHING AT ALL that I could ever do, to get you back, I would walk to the ends of the earth, swim to the bottom of the ocean or anything else either humanly or inhumanly possible, it goes without saying, I would do it without question OR hesitation immediately! I will ALWAYS AND FOREVER love you with ALL my heart, no matter what you feel for me or how you feel about me. If you could EVER find it in your heart........to forgive.....me? I would devote my entire life to you and move in together once and for all! I hope you may still feel something for me, but understand completely if you don't. I really should have learned the secret to good husbandry, but I failed yet again. Love you eternally, Your "husband"

Ok, all of you. This is what we will cover today: Note the differences between ID & ORIENTATION I guess you all must insist that I stay busy. Believe me, I am already more than busy enough, thanks anyway. Well, if not you that's insisting, then at least the ones that don't quite comprehend the contrast between our orientation/sexuality AND someone's actual or simulated gender. I will EDUCATE you on the difference. But you must pay close attention, as some of the presentation can be a little challenging. This is really easy as pie, unless of course you prefer a cake walk. Let's get down to business. Sexuality (orientation) This is simply WHO attracts you, or put another way is WHO YOU want sex with. With me so far? Now, do NOT get this confused with GENDER Identity, which is next. Good, now for a trickier concept. When you hear gender/gender ID, this is entirely distinct from sexuality. Here, in this case, a person's gender/sex OR in today's imaginary society, their IDENTITY, who they perceive themselves as, is what this term refers to. So the reason for my article is to show my position that these are entirely unequal, so those that keep lumping BOTH together are mistaken. Case in point: Take, for instance, the misleading article I found: Does Age Gap Matter to Gay/Bisexual Men and Trans? Did you catch the mismatch in this article title? Well, you should have 1st of all, right out of the gate, it seems like they were talking about Gay/Bi guys, then suddenly they decided, at the last second, to throw trans in at the very end. It's just way out of place! It just doesn't mix or go together properly. It's like they are talking about one thing, then just tack on something at the very end w/o the proper context. You see? I can't adjourn just yet, without addressing LGBT. Again, do you notice what they are doing wrong? Ok, let me show you then. What's the LGB for? Les Gay BI What are all these? Ahh, yes! You got it. Orientations, or again sexualities being the same. Test time Now we are getting into the trickier territory. What is the T for? Yes! Again you got it! You are batting 1k today. Great job. If T is for Tranny, or perhaps Transexual, WTF that is, maybe even, Transgender? I just don't know because it's hard to keep track of all these "identities" as they get more and more ridiculous. So attempt to understand, It is a GENDER, or gender Identity (ID)--NOT an orientation! So why would it get lumped together with contrasting terms? I just don't get why they lump the genders/ ID's with the orientations. I mean, notice how they start out talking about orientations, then at the end, they switch over to a gender ID, suddenly. It makes NO sense. Look at it this way, if you were talking about trucks for a while, then just threw a car on at the end, would that make much sense to you? Do you see how they have NOTHING to do with one another? Look at them in classes. There are FULL-size trucks, then there are compact cars that get good gas mileage. 2 very distinct classes They are comparing sexuality, or who you love, with a simulated gender, who you are, or pretend to be. Do you see the conflict with this comparison? This year a new alliance just formed that understands exactly what I am saying. They saw the confusion of Trannys being with sexualities. The LGB alliance, "a new lesbian, gay and bisexual alliance group has been heavily criticised for excluding the transgender community, prompting people to label it transphobic" saw this as misleading and formed an organization of, “influential lesbians, gay men and bisexuals” as they revealed their inspiring mission to “counteract the confusion between sex and gender which is now widespread in the public sector and elsewhere." During an important meeting in London, with attorney, Alison Bailey, of Garden Court Chambers, it was a “historic moment for the Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual movement”. If I was really off base with my observations or perceptions, there would be no LGB Alliance. They are saying exactly what I feel. I was, however, very disappointed in how they represented themselves, they actually said, "We are an LGB group, which is lesbian led. We welcome support from anyone who shares our aims/objectives–be they straight, gay, lesbian, trans or whatever." You may not notice their moment of conflicting purpose, but I most certainly do. They firmly claim to be LGB, Les, Gay, BI?, don't they? So, when they mention "anyone who shares our aims" who do they mention AND who do they NOT mention? Let's go through it. They mention straight, then say gay, which they represent, lesbian, who they stand by again, then they say trans who they actually don't have in their acronym. Then who do they mention at the end? "whatever?" Are you serious? So they say they are the LGB!! ??? Alliance?? Don't they?? What does the B stand for then? BISEXUAL!!! Who did they specifically NOT mention? After trans they just said, "whatever?" I guess I, and the billions of other BI people, are just "whatever?!" Yet they claim to be LG"B"! Just yet another example of us Bis getting erased! Well, alliance, I better call you by the correct name. How does "LG" alliance grab you? Much more accurate, don't you think? On their site, they state their key objectives: To advance the interests of lesbians, gay men and bisexuals at a time when we are under threat from concerted attempts to introduce confusion between biological sex and the notion of gender. To amplify the voices of lesbians and to highlight the dual discrimination we experience as women who are same-sex attracted in a male-dominated society. We support women’s reproductive rights and bodily autonomy. To protect children and young people from being taught unscientific gender doctrines, particularly the idea that they may have been born in the wrong body, which may lead to life-changing and potentially harmful medical procedures. To promote respectful freedom of speech and informed dialogue. They say what they want to do: 1 - Advance the interests of LG......not sure about "B" though. 2 - Amplify voices of Lesbians 3 - Promote free speech 4 - Protect children They also clearly declare their aims, mission statement, and code of conduct. You can find these on their website.

Now that I have graduated from BT, I am leaving, Ft. Dix, NJ. since it's time for my, Advanced Individual Training AIT to arrive at Aberdeen Proving Ground (APG), MD, Now that I am here, I will tell you that AIT (Advanced Individual Training) taught me my MOS, which just happened to be, 63D20 - Self Propelled Field Artillery Systems Mechanic. This enabled me to proceed to my, Permanent Duty Station (PDS), after graduation. AIT certainly was much better than BT. I was in a room with 2 guys, no bunk beds, just 3 beds on the floor. But just my luck, I get a hillbilly type that didn't exactly know what a shower was for. During an inspection, the CPT wanted to know who the guys were in my room. After I proudly raised my hand to signify I was one of the three in there, the Drill SGT (DS) made a remark about the smell. So I and the other guy that were his roommates were not exactly proud, but pretty damn embarrassed to say the least. But when the 3 of us reconvened back in our room, I was about to jump down Black's throat. But he was already getting cleaned up and apologized. Side note: The funny thing here is that the other roommate that was in the room was actually black, but the guy named black was actually white GO FIGURE! Foreshadowing: Now, keep in mind that a one guy who was in AIT with me, told me that my PDS wouldn't have any trainees in the same area as me. Remember this tidbit for later. One little fun time I remember, being at odds with the guys in my platoon because my social skills have always been basically non-existent and I found shaving cream in my pillowcase. WTF people do these things, who knows? It's more than likely, my "highly effective" social skills. Because of my fabulous social skills while being at odds with everyone, later I skipped my duty one day and all of us had a meeting revolving around my absence. And the world doesn't revolve around me I'm told. That's when I found out who did the polite deed in my pillowcase. It was Pegram. (no I'm not making these names up. They're real!) It was because I didn't socialize with the others. He said that I was always keeping to myself. Did I mention my social skills earlier? Then the DS told me I was allowed to do it back to pegram. I will say that my DS here in AIT was 500% better than my BT DS, surprised? and they were both black, so don't ever say I hate niggers because some can be really cool. I'm using that word as a positive term not at all racist. Don't even let me forget about the time that he took us to the mess hall and the chick asked him, "where they came from?" since we were getting there a little late. Now, do you want to take a wild guess to what he told her? Ok, not in the mood for guessing right now? Then I will just tell you anyway, cuz this MF DS was the coolest dude I ever met, I think. Do you remember what you said DS Frelow? "Their momma!!" You got it, DS! Your memory must be as good as mine! After all, that IS where we ALL came from! Still, yet another memory of mine is when me and another guy, went and got some beer somehow, the next thing we know is we got caught, since we were not quite 21 yet. I will cover this in more detail in the next section, but always remember, we are just fine in age for getting into the military and getting our heads blown off, but having a sip of beer? Fuck NO!! Makes sense right? NOT to ME! Anyway, my vivid memory is when we were forced by the MP's to dump it out, can by can on the ground. Keep in mind, that I detest waste of ANY kind! But getting back to Pegram, I gave Pegram a dose of his own medicine upon permission from DS Frelow, but I must have gone overboard because I did his whole door to his room. He got angry and I just hid in my room for the night. Yeah, good point! I'm this big bad army soldier and I was not too brave towards Pegram that night. Ok, don't rub it in! Well, I will have a lot more to tell you in the next part, III, my PDA, finally! See you then, CJ