I think I have given up.
Because,
RIP - My relationship
Sept 25th, 2019 - We met
Oct 17th, 2019 - dating
Dec 1, 2020 - NO more
I have been in a few relationships in this past half century. NONE, however, have ever been, nor ever will be, as blissful and so very gratifying as mine was with Rob. The 1st one ever that was everything I ever dreamt of and wanted.
1st impression - He was so fucking gorgeous!
Perfect body
AND
YOUNG, SWEET & SMOOTH!
This is exactly what I have ALWAYS wanted!
Then as we converged and joined our new lives together, he was the ONLY one to ever have ME completely in such high regard without even giving himself a 2nd thought. He was always looking out for me, NEVER to have any ulterior motives or deep dark self interests of any kind. He was always urging me to better myself and be very healthy in everything I did along with suggesting I further my education.
He was 150% Self-LESS always concerned about me exclusively.
I fucked my life up beyond words, feelings, and emotions today when I left him sleeping and headed home. The absolute WORST decision I ever made.
He, unfortunately, didn't know I had left and called me when I was already on the freeway. We spoke, and he asked me if I snuck out on him like I did once before. Since I didn't have the balls to say, "yes" I told him I was just out and would be back, and he even asked for me to bring him breakfast. I continued on and knew I was totally out of line and doing what I SHOULD NOT have done. Deep down I was & still am languishing about what I did and always will. Now I am regretting it eternally.
He called me one last time and gave me his ultimatum.
"Come back to help me or I will break it off."
But the LAST thing that I would want is for him to do that.
Because,
I was, however, by that time over 100 miles away. I was half way between my home and his. It was just too far to turn back.
I had to decide between,
going all the way back and wasting all the good time I had made traveling
OR
just go on.
I continued on with the inappropriate and painful decision I had made. I will always suffer for this horrible and atrocious decision for the rest of my existence.
I was trying to get back home to be on time for a lousy service call. As a few minutes elapsed after I spoke with him, my buddy called and said he would be there for it. I felt it was way too far to turn back. So, after finding out my bud was going to be there after all, it was the absolute worst conduct I could have ever done.
I know.
You are absolutely correct!
I am the biggest fucking complete imbecile total moron ever!
I must now live with,
1st, my breach of trust
and then
my horrible inept dreadful decision that I made with no afterthought of how I could have made a much better one.
How we dreadfully wish we could just go back to change our unjustness to others.
If all I do is hurt others, I will stop this very moment henceforth.
I will just be a recluse and write until my hands fall off or my eyes pop out, whichever happens first.
After I made it home, I took care of things first, then called him, and tried to explain. I really did not even know what to say. It didn't matter in the least as,
he just simply said,
"take care."
I knew at that point, it was completely hopeless. If I could have walked on water it would not have made the tiniest mend to our relationship.
The only remaining question is,
did I get what I deserved?
OR
is the punishment of losing him just way too beyond harsh?
So I will not look for another relationship ever again. No one on the face of this earth could EVER, EVER even come close to replacing him at all.
NO ONE anywhere can ever fulfil what I felt with Rob.
My forever dearest Rob, if there was/is ANYTHING AT ALL that I could ever do, to get you back, I would walk to the ends of the earth, swim to the bottom of the ocean or anything else either humanly or inhumanly possible, it goes without saying, I would do it without question OR hesitation immediately!
I will ALWAYS AND FOREVER love you with ALL my heart, no matter what you feel for me or how you feel about me.
If you could EVER find it in your heart........to forgive.....me?
I would devote my entire life to you and move in together once and for all!
I hope you may still feel something for me, but understand completely if you don't.
I really should have learned the secret to good husbandry, but I failed yet again.
Love you eternally,
Your "husband"