It is around 10:30 pm on a Wednesday night.
This is the PERFECT title, as I go through life, more people/friends leave me.
Tonight is not much different from my other lonely nights, in that it's just another night that ends in MY eternal loneliness. Most days are, in fact, lonely. It must be because of my limited social finesse. After Scott, my X - roommate, spoke with me last night using one of the latest apps, he informed me of my shortcomings.
Then this morning I awoke to his latest message, informing me of the real reason he moved out earlier this year:
"Here's the last word, I am going to say about this to you, The reason I had to leave and, you turned me off, and move on, is that your 1st impulse is to offend."
He says I turn people off and make them not want to help me.
He also stated,
"you are just a liability to be seen with in public."
Well, thanks, man!
What a pleasant thing to say!
He may have a point though because my last two birthdays were desolate, as my last birthday had 4 whole people, including me & Scott. My high school friend/bro wasn't there, nor anyone. The only other 2 were Santiago and his GF.
And please note, I don't even know him that well.
Ok, HOLD ON!
In the middle of working on this, my super rational, perceptive BF, made me aware that Scott also came into some $$$, had a fight with the neighbor, as well as us being in a former D/s relationship much earlier in our friendship, which are much more accurate in describing why he left. This alone means that Scott still tries to manipulate me by bringing me down to make himself feel bigger or stronger, so that he attempts to still maintain dominance over me.
"Yeah, Scott H. Womack....Good luck with that, bud!"
A bold narcissist HE is!
I have perused others' writings to, perhaps, find some answers, as they may have the same disorder I have. They explain their MH (Mental Health) issues, and tonight I thought I would explain mine.
I am not seeking pity, however, compassion and empathy are always nice to receive.
My initial memory of my childhood was Mike, my cousin, molested me at a very tender age, then I told, what I thought was a friend, about my encounter.
This was my worst mistake during my entire existence!
After confiding my deepest darkest secret to him, all my peers, from that point on, constantly berated me, as they perceived me to be homosexual/gay. With no anti-bullying laws in effect yet back then, there was NO relief in sight for me!
Instead, my ENTIRE childhood from elementary throughout middle school was a very isolated time for me.
It is interesting to note that I am, in fact, NOT homo!
But it took many decades for me to discover who & what I really was, deep down inside. I went from therapist after therapist from the time I was around 6, while I still continue to go to therapy presently. After many years of intense therapy, I finally discovered WHO & WHAT I actually am.
I NOW know that while I am NOT "HOMO"sexual,
I am actually "BI"sexual.
After having different encounters with both, I do know what my preferences are now.
Actually, BI is BEST!
Of course it is!!
Since it's the BEST of BOTH, the experiences should be unlimited, but aren't. They are, in fact, much less than yours as most people want nothing to do with us.
That's how I finally discovered myself. It was not until I was around 40 years old, when the doctor first diagnosed me with BPI (Bipolar Disorder).
So then I thought I was Bi twice, Bisexual and Bipolar.
Now, just within the last year, end of 2019, I received yet another new diagnosis.
This time it was BPD.
Borderline Personality Disorder.
Don't confuse it with split personality disorder, though. The two are TOTALLY different!
So, my whole life no one knew what was wrong with me until recently. After two friends adamantly felt I needed more testing, I went. Now, I hope I can start getting comfortable with this new one. I have been studying my new affliction diligently, and I just ran into this article the other day, entitled,
"How does a person with borderline personality disorder behave?"
It accurately defines BPD:
"BPD is a disorder of Dysregulation made up by Emotion Dysregulation (the core of BPD), as well as, Interpersonal, Identity, Behavioral, and Cognitive Dysregulation."
This really goes into depth about my disorder.
Everything from A-Z.
It really hits home with me, as it states that we have:
abandonment issues, meaning we worry our relationships won't last,
as well as intense emotions, fear of abandonment, and black and white thinking.
These all are definitely ME!
NO doubt!
Therefore, I am always worried about people leaving me, as they always do (like Scott did) while I have very intense emotions as I get angered easily, and as far as B&W thinking, I have even written before,
"I am all or none, there is no middle ground with me."
So BPD seems to be the correct diagnosis for me, finally.
Also, when we like someone (either in friendship or romantically) we love that person intensely. If the other person reciprocates, then we both enmesh ourselves in a very intense and personal relationship.
The article states,
"BPD is often triggered from the interplay of genetics with trauma during childhood."
I surmise the "trauma" in my case was the constant tormenting by childish peers.
The core of BPD is "Fear of Abandonment which is central to BPD. BPD is primarily noticed through interpersonal relationships (“Interpersonal Dysregulation”):
the article states.
It also mentions "fragmentation of memory" which I seem to have a bit of a problem with mine. People may speak to me and I will not remember everything they say. However, with trust it states that people with BPD have trouble trusting others. Because our memories are fragmented, it becomes "exceedingly difficult to trust others." Well, in my case I used to trust everyone too much, and always got taken advantage of. Well, that has all changed now, I don't trust others for a long time. However, depending on the person, if I have a deep connection with them, I will trust them more.
A personal note: I trusted Lori & rented a car for her, and now I am out $500 Sec Dep, until she rectifies the horrible situation. She never will, I already spoke to her.
NEVER use Fox rent a car!!
"Any attempt to remind us of the past will cause us confusion and cognitive dissonance."
Then it says that we, "will ultimately rationalize their behavior even against overwhelming facts."
A lot of these traits are not necessarily mine but are generally speaking.
For us, "how we presently feel about something, makes it the absolute and only truth."
Just peruse the positive traits those of us in the BPD family, do exhibit, so we aren't all that bad.
Please give us some credit, as well as a little patience,
THANKS!
Just check this list out for yourself.
I have been known to make things, my absolute truth. I am very logical and analytical in my thinking and it is difficult for anyone to change my mind on certain topics, especially when I am passionate about them. Then the article relays, "Black and White Thinking causes us to project our own flaws or bad behaviors on others." It is also hard for me to take the blame for a lot of actions that I may be responsible for, even against overwhelming evidence. It is because in our minds, it means we are bad people.
It mentions the Distortion Campaign,
"This involves a lot of rationalization as well as the elaborate manipulation and gaslighting of the former loved one that we are known for."
Rationalization, manipulation, distortions and gaslighting are not done consciously or with malice, but are simply the result of whatever the PBPD feels is true at the time.
Fortunately, I have not experienced this, and hope I never do.
It says that it happens "as part of the “I hate you, don’t leave me” phase."
Black and White Thinking causes PBPDs to Project their own flaws or bad behaviors on others. This is where someone, either you or me, is a bad person.
This type of thinking is the reason many of us find it difficult to admit fault even against overwhelming evidence. It would basically mean that I might be bad so I project it away from me.
It also talks about,
"A person with “Traditional BPD” will express intense bouts of anger and rage towards the former loved one, while a person with “Quiet BPD” will simply become cold and distant."
I found out recently I am the subtype petulant.
BPD causes many other symptoms:
"Getting angry or upset very easily and finding it difficult to calm down (“Emotion Dysregulation”); unstable sense of self (due to the intense emotionality, PBPDs have a hard time knowing who they are or what they like and dislike) as well as strong feelings of emptiness ( “Identity Dysregulation”); impulsivity, drug use, promiscuity, binge-eating or shopping due to the intense emotions and feelings of emptiness; self-destructive behaviors such as sabotaging close relationships or even self-harm (the self destructive behaviors are called “Behavioral Dysregulation”); difficulty to admit fault (“projection” of fault to others); disassociation from reality under stress (and/or hallucinations) as well as incorrect perception of reality (“delusions”) (called “Cognitive Dysregulation”) ; and ultimately an extremely high rate of suicide (up to 70% of PBPDs will attempt suicide and 1 in 10 will commit suicide)."
Much to my dismay,
"everyone with BPD will exhibit certain BPD aspects, such as Intense Emotions that are difficult to control, Fear of Abandonment, Idealization and Devaluation (and Splitting), Black and White Thinking, Distorted Perception of Reality, Lack of Object Constancy / Emotional Amnesia and Memory of the Past being shaped by Present Feelings. Those are the core side-effects that make up the disorder and they are all inter-connected."
Our little BPD family can be really cool too!
Just look at this wonderful list.
The symptoms that are familiar:
Getting angry or upset very easily
strong feelings of emptiness
impulsivity, drug use, promiscuity,
self-destructive behaviors such as sabotaging close relationships or even self-harm
difficulty to admit fault
and finally...
...incorrect perception of reality???
Then the article sadly states:
"BPD is a serious and dangerous condition and one of the four “Cluster B” Personality Disorders (Antisocial, Narcissistic, Borderline, and Histrionic) that are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior."
Then it affirms:
"Besides Dialectical Behavior Therapy which is absolutely necessary, it is said that yoga, meditation and breath-work can help manage the intensity of the BPD emotions."
Lastly, it adds:
"It is also important for the loved ones and former loved ones of PBPDs to seek help for themselves."
Well, I am quite proud of this post now.......being after 1 am.
There appears to be some link between BI & BPD, according to bi-ed.com, which offer these 5 following suggestions below, click the below link for more information.
As I run into more information on this, I will post it here.
BISEXUALITY & BPD
If you are BOTH BI & BPD, these are, 5 suggestions for you:
1. First, acknowledge that you are a bisexual with this borderline personality trait. You accept it for what it is. It is a predisposition to feelings of being down, being miserable, and hopelessness. Your bisexuality is also part of your genetic predisposition. This is who you are. You can’t change it. You accept it for what it is.
2. You also realize that you are no longer that child. You are an adult in complete control of your emotions and feelings. Your brain, by nature, has a lot of neuroplasticity. You can change your brain patterns by changing your thinking patterns. You can learn to accept your sexual tendencies and make conscious decisions on either exploring and enjoying them or just recognizing these tendencies without acting upon them. Remember it is always okay to enjoy your sexuality. It is always a choice you can make without guilt and shame.
3. If you have a life partner and children. You have some difficult decisions to make. Make them rationally. Do not let feeling of guilt and shame affect your power to choose what is best for the whole you.
4. Do a self-analysis. Every time you feel down, miserable, or hopeless, because of your bisexuality write it down and look at the situation that brought about these feelings. Then use your active imagination to go back into that situation and handle it by being in charge emotionally and resolve it with the positive approach and outcome. Then, if possible, go back to the situation and do it right this time.
5. Chart your progress and celebrate your successes. As time goes by you will find that you are getting better at dealing with your feelings. Be patient with yourself. It probably took twenty plus years to develop these patterns so give yourself the right to make mistakes and slip back into old patterns from time to time. Reassess; make amends; and keep on going.
Suggestions for BISEXUALS
Be honest with yourself and your loved ones. Dishonesty is a major source of anxiety. Living with constant anxiety and negative energy from your emotions will literally kill you.
Do an inventory of your impulses. Do your same-sex desires come from an unhealthy need or are they based on the honest and healthy expression of your heart and body?
Above all stop living with constant fear and anxiety. Get rid of the need to please others. In order to live a healthy life, you have to learn that you are the most important person in your life. You are the only one you really have to please. You may have to make some difficult decisions about your sexuality. Whatever you decide, make sure it is for you and not to please others.
Remember you are bisexual. You can go either way. If your joy truly comes from your family situation, make a deal with yourself. Recognize that you have both desires. Give yourself permission to have both desires and make a conscious decision to choose your heterosexual situation.
If your same-sex desires are so powerful that you do not want to live without them you will have to make a deal with your life-partner. If they cannot live with your bisexuality you have to be prepared to separate.
Thanks so much again for your explicit attention.
Perhaps I should have shown this to my X, as he said "break it off" on Dec 1st, 20
Love you BOTH,
Christopher "CJ" Jeremiah
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