I sincerely hope you will not only enjoy what I call my "coming of BI" story, but hope you may learn from it as well.
My story is completely factual from my heart to yours. After I went inside myself to determine my sincere reason for sharing my life with you, I sincerely feel my story can assist young adults, with their own issues and confusion about their own sexuality.
You MUST comprehend one declaration to get through life................
YOU MUST live YOUR OWN life, while NOT allowing ANYONE ELSE to live it for YOU!
I wish to share my life story with you, touching on the various encounters from early childhood through the present day. What I went through, the people I have met, and their actions are what, I surmise, formed me into what I am today. I wrote my heart-wrenching story to assure you that you are not alone in what you may go through in your young adulthood.
So, allow me to share the circumstances that led up to accepting myself. I finally took comfort, not only in my sexuality, but also allowed the little boy inside to come out so that others can love and accept him, while I also reveal the influential people that may have formed me into what I am today.
Without a doubt, I am.....
I will begin with my memorable, yet rough childhood. Like most of you, I can barely remember much before I was six years old. I will, however, get to my first memory around this age.
Growing up in the 70s, an entirely different time back then with,
NO internet,
NO social media,
NO computers, as they were NOT even in many households yet.
NO cell phones either!
No luxuries like these at ALL!
These were the days of going to our friend's house and asking their parents if they could come out to play.
But somehow, I made it to the present day, 2020.
My cousin, Mike, 11, and I were playing down at the creek. Being such a tender 6 years old, I had to be with an older family member. After a long hot day, we were ready to go home. After we got back from playing all day, Mike just wanted us to relax in our sleeping bags upstairs. So, he invited me up to bed a little early. I found this to be strange, but accepted his invite just the same. He started asking me some troublesome questions. Being only 6, I didn’t really understand everything he wanted to know. Since I was having a tough time with his line of questions, he had an extremely radical idea.
He showed me what he was speaking of instead, and being 5 years older than me, he seemed very influential which led me to believe that I could not ONLY look up to him but also trust him in suggesting I perform something I had NEVER done before. I was oblivious to whether it was good & condoned or bad & TABOO, so I just complied with his very peculiar, unfamiliar suggestion.
Being so young back then, I didn't even know that he had exposed me to my very 1st sexual awakening, referred to as fellatio.
But it was enough to shift my preference for life!
I have heard that your 1st sexual experience is the one that follows you, being your favorite. If this is true, I can certainly relate to this as I look back on mine.
Afterwards, he firmly told me, “Don’t tell grandpa, he’ll get angry.”
As young and naive as I was, I didn't completely understand why he said this, really confusing me. I didn't realize that I needed to keep certain things to myself, considering this, I felt it was fine to share this with my best friend, Carl.
This was my life altering mistake.
He violated my trust after he told kids in school. After everyone knew my secret, it was from this point on that my turbulent childhood began.
Everyone labeled me "GAY" henceforth.
But I was NOT gay at all!
At my age, being only in single digits at the time, it was really completely inaccurate and unwarranted to allege anyone's sexuality, as I didn't even know about sex, sexuality or what my preferences were or understood anything relating to it.
My entire life would have been far better & much different if only I would have simply kept it to myself. I would NEVER live it down as they isolated themselves from me.
One action they used against me, making me feel deserted and solitary, was simply not picking me for their team in gym class. I was always the very last one they picked. I am sure at least a few of you can relate to this very feeling. Another more harsh step they took was isolating me by relentlessly making me feel so small and despised by all of them, was using so many cruel words, such as fag, gay boy, and even fairy, as they followed me from school to school. I even recall talking to girls as someone went by telling them I was gay, making them scream in disgust, never talking to me again while they joined the others in being hateful to me afterwards.
Being so isolated from everyone, I always felt alienated and empty. This must be why today, even as an adult, I have always hated being alone. This could be why I feel needy now, in my relationships, as well.
My mother never let me leave the house until my room was clean.
Well, now I finally figured out why I never cleaned it.
Why would I clean it?
to go outside to play?
With who?
All the kids who hated me and made fun of me?
NO thanks!
Back in the 70s, not everyone understood sexuality like they do today. People spoke very little about non-heterosexual/monogamous relationships, so everyone frowned upon homosexuality. Ever since 2nd grade, when Mike & Carl violated me and my trust, the taunting, teasing, and constant tormenting for the rest of my entire miserable, disheartening childhood started. Even kids who liked me, could not be my friends, otherwise, the kids would tease them too. This entire ordeal made me feel completely lonely and hopeless. So, I didn’t even bother socializing with others, which has always made it hard for me to make friends, even now.
So, I grew up isolated and sheltered with NO friends, until I finally vanished from that petty, insignificant little town. It still makes me feel very irate, as if they stole my childhood away.
This is probably why I have NEVER been happy at all in my life, as this has influenced even my adulthood.
Most distressing, I have never had a genuine relationship with anyone in my life!!
I finally had an escape, though!
My parents were getting divorced and my dad wanted to move out west.
OH, WOW!
This was finally my chance to GTFO of this dismal going nowhere town & life.
I had to jump on it!
I immediately told my dad that I would love to come support him in his endeavors. The two of us moved far away across the country. Since I left, I could start fresh in high school, finally away from the cold, cruel kids of my past.
But they already did the damage.
I was always way too shy to talk to girls, so I never attained a girlfriend, which didn't help matters, while I only had a few friends. I really felt like I didn’t know who I was, or any way to discover this, either. While everyone else was having their teenage fun years, I just sat idly by, watching from the sidelines, all alone. I didn’t even have any experience with girls yet while I tried to come out of my shell and making just a couple friends.
First, there was Steve, in 9th grade. Then he moved on, never seen again.
In 10th grade, there was Vance, and we were good friends. He made me feel different, like I was a decent guy. He was so positive about life, he even said things like, “girls have more to cover.” He was good looking with baby blue eyes and I remember being slightly attracted to him. I thought I could make my move on him at my house, as we planned to masturbate with each other. I even told him it wouldn't be gay if we only did ourselves. But it never worked out, just like everything in my life.
But in time Vance also moved away, leaving me alone once AGAIN.
Then finally, in 11th grade, I met my next best friend, Dale, who is still my friend to this very day.
Even recently, he has come to my aide. I love him for being such a great BB, Big Bro. Thanks, Bro!
A 1st for me!!
We fooled around a little back in the day. He introduced me to a few different things.
He has looked out for me while always being by my side, if I really need him. It's amazing that we have been friends for over 35 years now.
There have been various times I thought joining my family members that I have never met because they were already “UP there" would be a fantastic idea!
This means suicide; in case you are missing my subtlety.
The 1st time this crossed my mind was in the army during basic, when I thought about perhaps taking more pills than required, but I am still here.
My confidence level has never been very high. One example is that I was always too passive to say the N word, the one that ends in “O.” So, when dad wanted me to join the army, I didn’t say NO, so I ended up going in. Therefore, after graduating, I went back to my childhood hometown before entering the military.
While I was there, my wonderful sister, Lisa, who has accepted me, introduced me to her good friend, Nicki. She seemed like a decent girl, so I asked her out.
Our 1st date was on the beach. At dusk, we were both bold and daring enough to skinny dip in Lake Erie! Since it was really chilly though, we didn't last long and went back to Lisa's house and reconvened on the couch downstairs, where we got friendly for a short while. My 1st chance to pop my cherry.
But I learned the hard way,
DON’T INTERRUPT SEX!
I had to get up, so she got up too while losing interest. I know her even today.
They say you always remember your 1st. Well, she was definitely my very 1st, and remembering her, is my honor. Thanks, Nicki. <blows kisses>
Yes, I was a late bloomer, so I was still “untouched” when I entered the military in July ‘87, right after my short 2-month vacation. After getting through Basic and AIT, I finally arrived at my permanent party duty station, running into another guy, CPL Walker, who invited me to go boating with him. We were just friends at first. With me being less in tune to different mannerisms and picking up their subtle clues the way some people can, I didn't pick up on his right away.
Before we went boating together while getting ready to go, he laughed at a joke with others.
I had the weirdest feeling!
It just hit me!
He HAD to be gay!
It was just the way he laughed, so effeminate, not really a manly laugh, I thought.
Back then, in the late 80s, if ANYONE knew about our inclinations, they would have discharged us immediately with absolutely NO benefits!
While we were on vacation later, we took my motorcycle off-road and stopped, while all alone out in the middle of nowhere near a dry riverbed. He started massaging my back, gradually getting lower and lower, until he was practically at the lowest point, still inching lower. He confirmed my weird feeling from earlier.
During times like these, it really felt like someone actually wanted ME. But, in reality, it was only for their own selfish needs. So, when someone gave me ANY attention at all, it felt good. My entire life, anyone who I am attracted to, NEVER feels attracted to me. So, even if I have no attraction, I feel like if I don’t enjoy the attention that I actually get, I may get no other opportunity. I feel I had better get what little I can from anyone who's willing.
Finally, he got so low I just took off my underwear so he could do as he pleased.
As soon as I did; I heard him,
“Want me? You really want me, dude? I’ll go for it!”
All the while he was getting closer to doing just that!
We kept having our fun for a while, but eventually he moved on.
After he left, I was all alone again. Sometimes I wonder if my middle name should be "ALONE" or perhaps "LONELY" they BOTH fit me to a T!
In the meantime, since all girls are ALWAYS only into other guys, SSG Melton introduced me to his younger sister, Lisa, and she became my very 1st girlfriend.
We were together for a short time, having our fun, while she was the one to finally,
“pop my cherry!”
So, finally, at 20, I was no longer a virgin.
Throughout my life, it seems like my oral preference for guys has been much stronger than the gals can provide.
Anyway, after I was finally “seasoned”, and after my service was up, I headed back to Vega$ while meeting Margaret Stevens. She was living with her parents, so we had to sneak around behind their back for any fun. We did it whenever we had an opportunity.
I remember she was one of the hotter ones I had. Also, much to my pleasant surprise, she didn't have the same aroma I had experienced before, so no, not all gals have this. So, I put my face right in it and actually enjoyed myself.
After trying both though, my preference is still his hot manly muscle, as it gives me something to play with, 1st with my hand, then manipulate it in my mouth as I use my tongue. Also, instead of being hidden, forcing you to search for it when you are with her, it's already out & ready to go.
Looking back, most of my experience has been with guys. I have found guys much easier to deal with. I seem to be more comfortable speaking with them. Because of my sheltered childhood, and never really being around gals, I never know how to talk to them. I am more confident in the present, though.
I was always going to the gay bars while I was younger.
One night, I was talking to two guys and the HOT one bought me a shot and wanted me for the night.
That’s new!
We went to the Luxor, and I gratified him all night!
I was totally into him as I just made love to it.
The same feeling that I get to this very day.
I remember after we finished; he informed me,
“Yes, you have pleased me.”
Yes, everyone, oral is my specialty as I have mastered my technique.
That night, I proved it to myself, finally feeling like I could do something beyond astonishing for someone. I have always had & retained my talent.
He was about the only one I can really remember, though.
After that one memorable night that I still look back on to this very day, I kept going to gay bars. There were about 4 or 5 in town, as I recall, the only guys that were even slightly interested in me, always seemed to be only the older ones.
So, since I always prefer younger, I never had much opportunity to be with anyone much to my liking. As I explained earlier, recalling Walker, I either go for it while I can, or just forego any chance at all. YES! You are correct! It IS SAD!
In '95,
I finally had my sights on a new lady, Lisa, an optician I met while delivering FedEx to the business she worked at. She invited me over to her place one night and we had an awesome time together.
She, in time, became my 1st wife, while I remained BISEXUAL, because sexuality doesn't change regardless of who the partner is.
Being in my late 20s already, I figured I better get someone to share my life with, as no one else was ever interested in me and I also was not getting any younger.
So, since I was so lonely, it made me decide to settle down even though I always feel like I am just settling.
Since NO ONE ELSE was ever interested in me, I married her.
To this day, I realize I shouldn’t have done this, as I wasn’t really in love with her. I just didn’t want to be single anymore. The only reason I got married was to be with “someone.”
All my life I have always settled for what I can actually get. I have been lonely my ENTIRE dismal life. In case you never felt lonely before, try to imagine your life being so empty and unfulfilled, that you would rather just leave this place to join your long-lost family members. For me, it's my heart having NO reason at all to even beat anymore, and that feels horrible, demeaning and so damn EMPTY.
In time, after the passion subsided, and arguing a lot, we wound up getting divorced anyway, so it was a waste of time for us both, as we married for the wrong reasons.
After Lisa, I ran into a Filipina lady who I met and her culture was extremely different from ours here in the USA. Again, I wasn’t really in love but figured I should be with someone, or stay alone, and since no one else was ever interested in me, we hitched.
We were together maybe 7 years, until one day she saw a gay website I visited, and her reaction, perhaps being the same one of most women was,
“I nearly puked when I saw that!”
So, she found me out!
Who cares?
We didn’t really belong together anyway, as we never loved one another. In the end, she was basically trying to terminate the relationship anyway, since she already received what she wanted, thus not needing me anymore. We were always at odds, anyway, as she always tried controlling me.
Never a wise decision.
So yet again, divorced, saw it coming.
Wow, I just realized she was the last woman I have ever been with in my life. It's been guys ever since. That just dawned on me right now.
Sometimes we.......
The sexual outlet above, I NEVER experience
It's just as well we parted ways, because I'm very oral with guys anyway, as I have informed you, so I'm just better off with guys, apparently.
Why don't women ever notice me, or even know I exist?
They're not attracted to me, right?
I have seen NONE ever interested in me, anyway. But I still am attracted to women. I even have a collection of pictures of some I find absolutely gorgeous.
That’s why I identify as BISEXUAL, because having an attraction to both must mean, without a shadow of doubt, that....
and, BISEXUALITY, is the only orientation that fits me to a T!
Therefore, if I ever found a woman with whom I clicked with, I am sure she would attract me. The only glitch is, I have always had a craving for cock.
After my 2nd wife kicked me out of the house, I ended up at the Garage, another gay bar. I ran into a different man who allowed me to stay at his place since I was so neglected and desperate for a place to stay. Kind-hearted that he was, he took me in as I slept on the couch. I was there for a few months and he had a friend over one day,
“Would you like a cold one?”
I asked him.
He obliged, and our new friendship was born. We moved out of the good Samaritan’s place and lived in a condo together for a while, getting friendly with each other.
After getting sick of Vegas, we moved to about 3 other states, but none of them felt quite like home to me. Finally, while living in WV, being together for around 6 years, he died unexpectedly. I didn’t want to be back east, so I came back to my hometown, Vega$.
As I was looking for brand new friends since having such a long hiatus from Vega$ for a few years, I went to a party in July, ‘18 with it being my very 1st NUDE pool party!
This was vital to achieving my present day self-confidence. In shedding my inhibitions around BOTH sexes, it immediately gave me my, beyond blatant self-confidence, henceforth, living by Ms. Roosevelts quote,
NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT!!
After I stripped off ALL my inhibitions, insecurities, and any feelings of inadequacy,
my “coming out” finally happened!!
From then on, I have always been extremely.....
This is EXACTLY what allowed my complete confidence to shine through!
YOU can achieve the same confidence if you had the courage to attend a NUDE party.
ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!!
This was MY very 1st time, finally allowing my complete blatant self-confidence to show everyone WHO I was & WHAT I finally became, while never having feelings of self-conciousness or inadequacy from then on.
This was a major turning point for me during my self-discovery,
while I finally came to realize that....
It was an eye-opening revelation for me, since for the first time, I finally came to realize that......
This was the life altering moment that I had hoped for, ever since
I was used & abused
being violated during my early childhood.
It was from this very moment that I knew deep down that NO one can ever offend me again, NUDE or NOT just as I have proclaimed on anything I have written.
"Be open and free-the best way to be," (yourself)
Christopher Jeremiah
This was the day I transformed into a full-fledged nudist, having what others could only dream of, the complete confidence to show their genuine real selves completely to BOTH of us.
Later that Dec, now being a completely self-confident nudist, I actually went to a different type of party.
This time, I was the sole one nude, finally having the utmost courage BOTH in my body, AND in MYSELF to do this in front of everyone. I proved to myself that I had blatant self-confidence shining through as I sat on the couch, fully "OPEN & FREE" while everyone else remained fully covered as they saw me in all my glory.
This was my very first time I was "OPEN & FREE" around concealed people!
This story must be told!
As I was sitting on the couch, kind of keeping to myself, as I am shy......
Yes, I know what you’re thinking.
How can I be shy while being totally nude in front of everyone else wearing clothes?
Yes, good point, I am going to have to get back to you on this.
.......a guy, Scott, was looking for someone to play NUDE twister with.
I, being the ONLY one in uniform, must have obviously caught his eye. He asked me if I would help him out with playing, while also seeing if I could get anyone else to join in. I obliged but couldn’t find anyone else as confident as me.
Even though no one else wanted to join in, he and I alone played twister together. While I reminded him, he must be in the proper uniform, he joined me.
The MC, calling out colors for the game, was none other than Shawn, whom I had known from years earlier when he ran a BISEXUAL group I was in.
After getting acquainted with Scott at the party, he came to my place the very next day, in order to pick me up to go out. He took me to a bathhouse; I will never forget what he did for me. Being so very despondent and disheartened, he comforted me while hugging me. I was feeling lonely and isolated again, since I had no one in my life to be with. He helped me while being dispirited, never forgetting him being a genuine friend to me, just on the 2nd day of knowing him. He was giving me some encouragement and promised me he would help me.
There have been a few isolated times where I wonder if they send some people to us from above. He cheered me up while also remaining totally platonic.
In time, I started falling for him, but fortunately he was poly, so he would not be interested in tying himself down to just 1 person.
Eventually he moved out at some point.
Now, in the present day,
Looking back as I reminisce over the decades gone by; I haven't really been with that many people, while now as I remain single, keeping in mind that I will never "settle" again.
For about a year, I finally had my 1st love, the only BF that I would have married, as he has everything I have ever wanted. So abundant in all the qualities I dream about.
Special note:
This has been my true life story, so I want everyone to not only enjoy it, but learn from it too. This includes young adults that can sincerely learn from my mistakes but also from my awakening. So, if you are younger, especially, that reads this at some point, then I want you to know that it's perfectly fine to be who you are having total confidence in yourself.
There are only 2 assertions, found within yourself, that you must accept and whole-heartedly believe, that will give you the complete self-confidence you need for the rest of your life.
YOU & YOU ALONE MUST KNOW
1 - WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE!!
AND
2 - WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE!!
Once YOU go down deep within yourself, YOU will have the ONLY correct answers to these very meaningful declarations AND NO one will ever be able to take these away from you.
The sooner you find these within yourself, the sooner you will have your blatant self-confidence in life!
The time for you is NOW!!!
Don’t fear the world's negativity while waiting for something that may never materialize!
Most urgently and importantly,
Don’t you dare ever take your own life if things get too tough, or what you think is too rough for you to deal with!
If I can make it, so can YOU!!!
There is ALWAYS someone who will listen and love you for who are.
I do, and I don’t even know you.
BI the way,
You are a human being that matters to the special people in your life.
If you don’t think you can talk to your parents, or they somehow show that they hate people like us, just remember there are plenty of other caring thoughtful adults, like me, either at school or somewhere that youth can talk to caring people that know exactly what you are going through and you can confide in.
Your parents MUST be familiar with, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, if they are NOT, GTFO
and call someone who knows the meaning,
AND
can get YOU to SAFETY!!!!
Never think you are alone!
Not even for a second!
If you love him, go after him!
If you love her, go after her!
And yes, even if you love BOTH, then go after both and see who you love most and who you are compatible with, then choose who you want to be with, and whatever your choice is......
DONT EVER BE ASHAMED!!!
Instead of EVER being ashamed of loving BOTH,
YOU should be LOUD AND.....
Do you hear me?
Don’t make my mistakes!
Maybe if I would have figured out who I was in the 1st place, my totally bleak, & dismal life would have been much happier while also being so very different.
I was ashamed of myself my entire life until July 2018, when I finally woke up & could
That is too damn long to be ashamed of myself while not believing I was worth loving.
Go after who and what you want while NEVER giving a flying fuck what anyone thinks of you.
They are NOT you, and they also don’t live YOUR life!
YOU are the ONLY one that does!
ALWAYS REMEMBER,
while you also never forget.....
JUST GO FOR IT!!!
Love you BOTH,
Christopher "CJ" Jeremiah