We all suffer various losses through this sometimes very painful time period called LIFE.
MY OWN individual losses have ALWAYS been way beyond too TREMENDOUS!
I really wonder how, during most of my grievous lamentable life, I have somehow actually gotten through my really grim, bleak and totally UNSATISFYING waste of life. There have been way too many sorrowful moments that I really should have taken ALL my excruciating pain away. But there must be something that keeps me on this very cruel evil place while I continue on in my very lugubrious and beyond dismal existence down here.
I have lost way more than I even care to reexamine, but in the very context of this post, I must really reach deep down inside me as I put forth my effort to attempt to accomplish this very achievement.
So, to start this feat off, I must firmly declare with ALL my conviction,
If I was smart enough to remember this very pertinent assertion, I would still have HIM to this very day!
Since I wasn't though, I must reveal that I most recently lost the most important one in my ENTIRE life EVER!
"If you don't come back to me, and help me out, I will have to break it off. I will leave it up to you."
he firmly stated to me.
My particular unfortunate circumstances, and exactly where I was, didn't exactly work at all, in my favor. So, I made the very worst decision of my entire life, and regretting it ever since. The ONE SINGLE & ONLY one that I have EVER EVER cared so deeply for AND also LOVED with ALL my heart and soul as well as EVERY fiber of my being!
HE was ALL that I have EVER wanted!
His multitude of endless, loving, & really caring qualities, as well as his perfect body and mannerisms were all more than I could ever hope for in another nearly perfect person.
But, in addition, I have also lost my...
... childhood, in that, it was a very turbulent time for me since I had almost no friends, and was always being made fun of for something that I actually wasn't at all.
...virginity, as we all do, but much much later than all my peers.
...Father to a totally tragic undeserved and unwarranted, homicide.
... an inheritance that I received from my dad's demise because of the overwhelmingly beyond horrible stock market. So much for trying to do the responsible execution with a lot of capital.
MY own loss list goes on and on in my exploits of life, however, the ones that I am most lost & really hurt about are way beyond very special to me in life. They will NEVER speak to me again. I have tried repeatedly to rekindle our relationship, but much to my total dismay, to absolutely NO avail. I can just say that they were so way beyond special, as well as very smart, good looking and even very withdrawn. Now I must deal with this absolutely painful loss in my life that really could have been entirely avoided, but my anger, rage and total stupidity, got the best of me thereby forcing them away from me forever!
When you have multiple disorders like I do, such as BP I, MDD, PTSD and now I have even been recently diagnosed with BPD, you can't always control your feelings of rage, anger and bitterness while also being totally frustrated with yourself, and also life. I was outraged by my Father's completely UNFAIR and totally UNDESERVED beyond tragic death with absolutely no justice whatsoever! I still am, but it does not do any good to dwell on it anymore. All my rage led to a very miserable life and I took it out on the very special ones in my sad miserable life, who later just gave up on me and left.
So, now for the rest of my regrettable pitiful life, I must try to cope with the lost feeling that one encounters with no more loving company from anyone ever again. I can NEVER in my entire life, acquire any more of this particular relationship.
As we live and learn, we in turn struggle nearly every day of our lives, while we also sometimes live a very difficult and way beyond too painful life as we learn our own lessons in life.
My lesson, in particular, was the most important and also the most painful of my life since I no longer have anyone to love and care for. I just must try my best to move on now and pray and hope that I will be reconnected someday.